01312024. good morning flounder happy end of january

today is ok!!

^ i wrote this before dropping my chili oil. by this i mean the nearly full jar of chili oil. sent crashing to the kitchen floor. gloved, i scooped up handfuls of glass-chili shards. everywhere was the smell of chili oil. i thought to myself, this glass is well seasoned. i said this to A, he said, so is the grout. i wiped, i swiffered, i dried, i vacuumed. i will vacuum again. this is actually the third time i have shattered glass in the kitchen since we moved in and those are the three times the kitchen floor has been swiffered

there is much to do tonight. so much

01302024. well flounder

it is embarrassing to watch your ex get a woman's number, mere feet in front of you, it is even more embarrassing when it is clear the woman isn't feeling him at all, like look at him, they don't even want him

tired hungry voice breaky period perioding

thinking about when my shifts used to start at crazy times like noon or 5pm. what did i used to do with my mornings

i want it to be summer so the students leave specifically [] i hope he lands a prestigious internship somewhere very far away and performs at such a high level that they hire him immediately and he never comes back

good evening flounder. journaling until it is time for class

today was ok not great, i felt like a gloomy creature. one reason for this is i started my day listening to heavy shoegaze working on book lists, and my first book list was a personalized one for a reader who is obsessed with serial killers, so there i am, listening to just the most depressing guitar chords, underlaid with indecipherable nihilistic white male vocals, reading the entire wikipedia entry on richard ramirez. don't do this

01292024. good morning

i feel bad! idk why

probably a good start would be less time on phone

ok i'm back i stopped to check my phone

i guess i haven't been in [city] or [city] in a little while, maybe i should go

well D is visiting soon which is kind of the same as me being in [city]. or it might be worse because i have to let them leave

i think i need a better schedule for myself instead of just working til i shut down

life is much more confounding when i don't have an emotionally neglectful man to displace my anxieties onto

try to stay present + light today

bleh

day is ok. i told C i was feeling bad and they gave me a mission of 3 hugs. updates to come

nothing is really reaching me today

WHY???????????????????????! *banging on glass* LET ME OUTTT

01282024. hey flounder

listened to jesus music this morning some of it goes hard..the 2018 tori kelly album

gonna try to make some meaningful progress on [project] today so i stop thinking about it so much

the jesus music is filling me with gratitude...list time

grateful for

*[coworker and good friend]

*[coworker and good friend]

*A

*job

*school

*C,L

*improved management skills of voice symptoms

*still have a voice

*sibs

*mom (and dad)

*B :3 specifically the text this morning asking to picnic on thursday

my day ended up taking a bad turn idk how to explain, i think it was just burnout, i had to force quit and leave the house. gonna keep listening to gospel music though just in case it's doing anything for my spirit idk who knows

tomorrow night will be fun! i love fun

i hope everyone finishes out january ok

01272024. good morning flounder

C is 24 today *tears*

at work poorly rested but ok

a classmate completely butchered my name in a reply to my discussion thread and it's crazy because my name had to be in his frame of vision as he was typing it. and it would be some motherfucker named jedidiah

did ok today i guess

01262024. hey flounder

have spent these first few hours of my day at barstool windowfacing coffeeshop perch, writing to C. hungry now and going home <3

01252024. good morning flounder

i really need to figure out my thursday mornings. i think because it's a short shift i feel less committed to getting here in a strong state (fed, rested etc.). but after like an hour of working i'm like save meeeee

seeing [] today! thursday is [] day

first i am seeing G <3

01242024. good morning flounder

i got to work early today but forgot two important things

my thermos -- need this to sip hot water all day as emotional and laryngeal support

eye drops waaahhhhh

i persist

today has been weird and emotional not because of me which is normal but because of other people, i keep encountering hurt people and kind of want to cry

did an appointment for a couple -- extremely unlikeable man + normal woman. he wanted to put down the woman's mom as his emergency contact. he was like, "future mother in law, if you play your cards right" BARF!!!!!!!!!!!

reading about how in the 90s some librarians tried to catalog the internet. pretty funny

01232024. hey flounder

last night was fun but i wish i had not spent $50

it was a very long day

and it is over!

01222024. good morning flounder

too much lemon today

work is closed!

loving elijah fox jan 14 piano improvisations album

01212024. good morning flounder

woke up stressed

finished some stuff but still don't feel good lol

01202024. good morning flounder

the really cool thing about last night was A had [important friend / mentee] over for dinner and it was comfortable and nice. they were making pizzas. i got home pretty late and they were still snacking and sharing. we don't have people over often, most of our friends are not able to get out a lot and also A is just bizzy. so i don't often come home to company. not only that, they had made a pizza for bluet. i was hungry and it was so yummy

more school stuff to read and write today

got the honey lemon ratio right this morning

good evening flounder

just woke up on the couch like a kid that no one carried to bed

well here we are end of week 1. i got my work done, so tired but feel ok. called mom today, she is leaving for HK soon, it would be nice to see her again first but idk when i would go

i woke up from the couch feeling bitter about [], i am so sad for myself for staying so long haha. nothing to do about it now but hate him gently

listening to solange because the DJ spun binz last night, i've never heard the song outside of my own car or room before, it was magical and exciting, same with jazmine sullivan pick up your feelings, those songs will never be the same to me

A and i did all our shopping today, three different stores, exhausting, he was fussy by the end, but carried us through most of it

i feel like i keep coming up against a wall every time i try to introspect grrrr

feeling mild guilt about being distant from [] for the past several months. she is in my heart always, i don't know why i've let the last communication sit for so long. maybe i will respond tonight. it's kind of like how i get overwhelmed communicating with [], just the volume of information, or maybe something else about our relationship i haven't figured out yet

have been carrying around the intention of buying a new notebook for the past week, today when given the opportunity it did not feel right....

just remembered the thing about pluto. gonna find some stuff to read about it

01192024. good morning flounder

put too much lemon in my honey lemon water

had a great time with [] yesterday, not concerned

time to read for school aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

read some really good natasha rao poems last night

continue to receive empty communications from []. mild anger

enjoying elijah fox's music

working hard today, excited to take a shower and get ready for tonight and to see [bestie] at the DJ set yuhhh

just got home had so much fun

01182024. good morning flounder

yesterday fried my brain today still overcooked

seeing [] later for coffee + bookstore my ideal hangout so if i don't have fun that will be concerning

[] sent me more pointless texts yesterday. it's less satisfying than chatting with a bot. like significantly

tired and head hurt. might need coffee before my coffee. or big sandwich

01172024. good morning flounder

today i feel annoyed not about anything specific, maybe the coworker side conversations this morning, because i'm trying to do stuff

extremely long day today, 8-5 work and then 5-8 class. womp womp

finally reading care work, feeling called in/out/towards

thinking about going home on friday because i was mentally absent when parents visited last week. and i want soondubu

flounder i'm having a good day.......it's sooo suspicious

01162024. good morning flounder

today i feel embarrassed not about anything specific

school started scream

burnt myself out on the article i'm working on so now i'm here

feeling appreciative of [silly coworker] i can always tell if he's approaching in my peripheral vision just by the way he walks. it is bouncy and no one else here walks like that

staying late tonight and starting early tomorrow...a test

everything feels like a test lately

[] texts to tell me he found my bracelet...a test. my approach to this test was to leave my phone upstairs

second semester of grad school...a test...can she do it again? she barely pulled off the last one

nearing the end of my botox cycle...a test

nah not really. there's no test there because there's nothing i can really do other than cure myself. i think i'm going to delay the next injection by a month, 1) so i can do my event in february, and 2) because they gave me too much last time anyways, it seems too soon to get more already and 3) i scared

[] shared that his mother gets botox in the brain. so many places that botox can go

another test that i fail a lot is when someone asks me hey are you going to [event that i'm aware of but had resolved not to go because of my responsibilities]?

[] confirmed that they are visiting february 9, i am so excited

and i am visiting [] march 7. i love visiting

i've been watching survivor: gen x vs. millennials instead of basketball. i actually sometimes love survivor. there was a time when i would watch "funniest survivor moments" "emotional survivor moments" compilations for hours. all of it ultimately makes me sad, especially when i look up where the contestants are now. thinking about rob and amber and how they fell in love on the show makes me queasy with emotion. idk why

01152024. dang no one was gonna tell me i've been dating these 2023 haha

good morning flounder

realizing i had like a month with no voice symptoms, which is all i've ever wanted, and what i chose to do with my new bandwidth was wreak havoc on my own emotional world by seeking attention from men

i love my roommate, probably more than i love any non-nematode, however i wish he would not use the kitchen after 1am

it is time for my second annual reread of their eyes were watching god. if only someone would bring back their library copy

nervous about 11am appointment because a coworker is shadowing me and that's never happened before, and also there will be three children, which is a lot. the applicant has an asian-coded last name but i'm sure they'll be white. what can ya do

the mom was white the dad was korean the appointment was great the kids were cute and i really like that coworker

01142024. flounder the craziest thing happened

i was on a date with a man (already off to a bad start but there we were). conversation blah blah. he makes a weird joke about how keeping a dirty room helps strengthen the immune system (getting worse). i ask, 60% joking, if he is vaccinated. he says, with his entire chest, No. i ask, against anything? nope. covid? nope. measles? he says, people get vaccinated for that? i ask, are you stupid? he tells me a story about how he had covid once while he was living with 10 people and no one got it. "they were even hitting my vape," he says, proudly. i ask him to take me home

the craziest thing is we were connected by a mutual friend who i like and respect. idek how to give him feedback about this lol

hey flounder i am going to do an experiment for the rest of the month of january. it's when i don't drink alcohol or date men for the rest of january. it seems to me that i have a disordered relationship with both of these things. it feels necessary to do something about this because school starts on tuesday and i think i need to be less depressed than i currently am in order to be successful. so yeah let the experiment begin. oh i already hate it

thanks dori <3

great andrea gibson poem "wellness check"

01112024. good morning flounder

no breakfast :(

there are kids here on a tour today. swishing around in their winter gear

my sleep has been doing this weird thing where i don't fall asleep til ~1, wake up around 4, go back to sleep and wake up again around 8

i have shoulder soreness from scraping ice off my car every morning. also maybe from playing guitar

movie date tonight

before movie date must (maybe)

*eat

*work out

*oil hair

*shower

2/4 would be fine

had my annual meeting with my manager. shoutout my manager. without me bringing it up she offered to make accommodations for my voice. shoutout my manager

01102024. hey flounder

so tired again lol got dangerously close to snoozing at the desk

headache!

got home made a sandwich ate sandwich fell asleep woke up made ramen watched clippers vs. raptors

i'm just a teenage dirtbag baby

01092024. last night was soooo fun

01082024. good morning flounder i am feeling suspiciously positive today

i had a great time with [] yesterday. a highlight was when he said something not very smart and then said, after a serious pause, "i'm not very smart." it is true

second semester starts soon and i am nervous about this

[] tonight and i am excited for this

[] drifting (me too) and i am sad about this

not really though because then i remember things like the time i texted several sentences expressing gratitude + excitement about our relationship and he replied, "mutual." not even "the feeling is mutual," just, "mutual"

i did not enjoy the show with [] on saturday. it was loud and he was trying too hard. he's mentioned before how he feels like lobbying has altered / masked his personality and i think he's right. i still think he's awesome it's just a weird vibe

spent a lot of time with A this weekend yay! his crazy schedule starts today. stay strong A

parents are visiting this weekend which i think is good

called little brother last night, one sentence he said was "there are no stakes in my life" ...

just noticed [cute coworker] shaved their head. cool very nice

might have to start a new donotsend page lmfao haha

oops just wrote in my december log

ate a sandwich a watched the snow for an hour. it is looking really white outside. i am very tired

i really hope [] can make it tonight!! and i really hope [] does not

checked out the recent posts on UIUC reddit, mostly students seeking subletters, softlaunching their course schedules and complaining about homeless people. lame

the executive director just came by ew! she is kind of slaying today in her little headband though

being an asian woman in a service job is kind of yikes sometimes. i did not love earlier when that man said "you're so sweet" and all i did was hand him a pen

one more hour zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

01052024. just remembered i like watching basketball

01042024. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have a good day

i wrote a song in a google doc yesterday at work, was looking forward to playing and singing it out loud when i got home, which i did, but it didn't sound as good as it did in my head

it has been [4] days since bluet's last relationship termination

[coworker/buddy] said i should get a camera crew to follow me around on my romantic experiments. "it's entertainment" he said

benching myself soon so i can do school though

maybe i should be able to date and do other things at the same time but idk it's like an extreme sport for me

putting out a song with [] soon and am excited about this <3

01032024. good morning flounder

remembered eye drops today

yesterday was embarrassing so i have decided to chill out

had a good night with A

01022024. good morning flounder

carrying some heavy mixed up feelings

today has been ok. A got back while i was at work, i am still at work. [] should be getting ready for his set right about now, i will not be there, which is right, but makes me sad

[] is being weird, i think because i went out with []. who could have predicted this? me

last night [] sent me a text about how good it felt to "have someone to cry on." reader, he was referring to our BREAKUP. he continued, about our "good memories" and about the song he just finished, that he feels he started writing about me before he ever met me

i did not expect to feel angry

but i do

i am angry because

*i apparently engendered for him some kind of emotional release, whereas i just feel bitter and twisted up

*he says i taught him a lot. i think he will be better for the next person. cool that he got to practice on me

*to put it as simply as possible i guess i feel like i made him better and he made me worse. i know this language is problematic but it's how i feel

[],

i loved you,

not as a partner (you did not make this possible),

but the way one might love an animal

what i mean is i loved watching you, and being around you, and learning about you, and taking care of you

i know it sounds bad; this metaphor gives me too much power, as the human, or pet owner, whatever

but it's not actually like that

i actually felt quite powerless, because i couldn't expect anything from you, all i could do was watch, and wait, and train (lol). and when you hurt me there was very little hope of making you understand

i don't usually love people this way, and i think that's why the loss feels different too

usually at the end of a relationship i feel like i escaped something

i feel more like i had to release you

oh hey look you texted me back

good luck tonight

i know you'll sound great

01012024. hey flounder

dori thank you for your message of solidarity. i have often wished there was some kind of registry for such men, i have at least two names to contribute. there are women we must warn! oh well

thank you alioop <3 happy new year