01312024. good morning flounder happy end of january today is ok!! ^ i wrote this before dropping my chili oil. by this i mean the nearly full jar of chili oil. sent crashing to the kitchen floor. gloved, i scooped up handfuls of glass-chili shards. everywhere was the smell of chili oil. i thought to myself, this glass is well seasoned. i said this to A, he said, so is the grout. i wiped, i swiffered, i dried, i vacuumed. i will vacuum again. this is actually the third time i have shattered glass in the kitchen since we moved in and those are the three times the kitchen floor has been swiffered there is much to do tonight. so much 01302024. well flounder it is embarrassing to watch your ex get a woman's number, mere feet in front of you, it is even more embarrassing when it is clear the woman isn't feeling him at all, like look at him, they don't even want him tired hungry voice breaky period perioding thinking about when my shifts used to start at crazy times like noon or 5pm. what did i used to do with my mornings i want it to be summer so the students leave specifically [] i hope he lands a prestigious internship somewhere very far away and performs at such a high level that they hire him immediately and he never comes back good evening flounder. journaling until it is time for class today was ok not great, i felt like a gloomy creature. one reason for this is i started my day listening to heavy shoegaze working on book lists, and my first book list was a personalized one for a reader who is obsessed with serial killers, so there i am, listening to just the most depressing guitar chords, underlaid with indecipherable nihilistic white male vocals, reading the entire wikipedia entry on richard ramirez. don't do this 01292024. good morning i feel bad! idk why probably a good start would be less time on phone ok i'm back i stopped to check my phone i guess i haven't been in [city] or [city] in a little while, maybe i should go well D is visiting soon which is kind of the same as me being in [city]. or it might be worse because i have to let them leave i think i need a better schedule for myself instead of just working til i shut down life is much more confounding when i don't have an emotionally neglectful man to displace my anxieties onto try to stay present + light today bleh day is ok. i told C i was feeling bad and they gave me a mission of 3 hugs. updates to come nothing is really reaching me today WHY???????????????????????! *banging on glass* LET ME OUTTT 01282024. hey flounder listened to jesus music this morning some of it goes hard..the 2018 tori kelly album gonna try to make some meaningful progress on [project] today so i stop thinking about it so much the jesus music is filling me with gratitude...list time grateful for *[coworker and good friend] *[coworker and good friend] *A *job *school *C,L *improved management skills of voice symptoms *still have a voice *sibs *mom (and dad) *B :3 specifically the text this morning asking to picnic on thursday my day ended up taking a bad turn idk how to explain, i think it was just burnout, i had to force quit and leave the house. gonna keep listening to gospel music though just in case it's doing anything for my spirit idk who knows tomorrow night will be fun! i love fun i hope everyone finishes out january ok 01272024. good morning flounder C is 24 today *tears* at work poorly rested but ok a classmate completely butchered my name in a reply to my discussion thread and it's crazy because my name had to be in his frame of vision as he was typing it. and it would be some motherfucker named jedidiah did ok today i guess 01262024. hey flounder have spent these first few hours of my day at barstool windowfacing coffeeshop perch, writing to C. hungry now and going home <3 01252024. good morning flounder i really need to figure out my thursday mornings. i think because it's a short shift i feel less committed to getting here in a strong state (fed, rested etc.). but after like an hour of working i'm like save meeeee seeing [] today! thursday is [] day first i am seeing G <3 01242024. good morning flounder i got to work early today but forgot two important things my thermos -- need this to sip hot water all day as emotional and laryngeal support eye drops waaahhhhh i persist today has been weird and emotional not because of me which is normal but because of other people, i keep encountering hurt people and kind of want to cry did an appointment for a couple -- extremely unlikeable man + normal woman. he wanted to put down the woman's mom as his emergency contact. he was like, "future mother in law, if you play your cards right" BARF!!!!!!!!!!! reading about how in the 90s some librarians tried to catalog the internet. pretty funny 01232024. hey flounder last night was fun but i wish i had not spent $50 it was a very long day and it is over! 01222024. good morning flounder too much lemon today work is closed! loving elijah fox jan 14 piano improvisations album 01212024. good morning flounder woke up stressed finished some stuff but still don't feel good lol 01202024. good morning flounder the really cool thing about last night was A had [important friend / mentee] over for dinner and it was comfortable and nice. they were making pizzas. i got home pretty late and they were still snacking and sharing. we don't have people over often, most of our friends are not able to get out a lot and also A is just bizzy. so i don't often come home to company. not only that, they had made a pizza for bluet. i was hungry and it was so yummy more school stuff to read and write today got the honey lemon ratio right this morning good evening flounder just woke up on the couch like a kid that no one carried to bed well here we are end of week 1. i got my work done, so tired but feel ok. called mom today, she is leaving for HK soon, it would be nice to see her again first but idk when i would go i woke up from the couch feeling bitter about [], i am so sad for myself for staying so long haha. nothing to do about it now but hate him gently listening to solange because the DJ spun binz last night, i've never heard the song outside of my own car or room before, it was magical and exciting, same with jazmine sullivan pick up your feelings, those songs will never be the same to me A and i did all our shopping today, three different stores, exhausting, he was fussy by the end, but carried us through most of it i feel like i keep coming up against a wall every time i try to introspect grrrr feeling mild guilt about being distant from [] for the past several months. she is in my heart always, i don't know why i've let the last communication sit for so long. maybe i will respond tonight. it's kind of like how i get overwhelmed communicating with [], just the volume of information, or maybe something else about our relationship i haven't figured out yet have been carrying around the intention of buying a new notebook for the past week, today when given the opportunity it did not feel right.... just remembered the thing about pluto. gonna find some stuff to read about it 01192024. good morning flounder put too much lemon in my honey lemon water had a great time with [] yesterday, not concerned time to read for school aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa read some really good natasha rao poems last night continue to receive empty communications from []. mild anger enjoying elijah fox's music working hard today, excited to take a shower and get ready for tonight and to see [bestie] at the DJ set yuhhh just got home had so much fun 01182024. good morning flounder yesterday fried my brain today still overcooked seeing [] later for coffee + bookstore my ideal hangout so if i don't have fun that will be concerning [] sent me more pointless texts yesterday. it's less satisfying than chatting with a bot. like significantly tired and head hurt. might need coffee before my coffee. or big sandwich 01172024. good morning flounder today i feel annoyed not about anything specific, maybe the coworker side conversations this morning, because i'm trying to do stuff extremely long day today, 8-5 work and then 5-8 class. womp womp finally reading care work, feeling called in/out/towards thinking about going home on friday because i was mentally absent when parents visited last week. and i want soondubu flounder i'm having a good day.......it's sooo suspicious 01162024. good morning flounder today i feel embarrassed not about anything specific school started scream burnt myself out on the article i'm working on so now i'm here feeling appreciative of [silly coworker] i can always tell if he's approaching in my peripheral vision just by the way he walks. it is bouncy and no one else here walks like that staying late tonight and starting early tomorrow...a test everything feels like a test lately [] texts to tell me he found my bracelet...a test. my approach to this test was to leave my phone upstairs second semester of grad school...a test...can she do it again? she barely pulled off the last one nearing the end of my botox cycle...a test nah not really. there's no test there because there's nothing i can really do other than cure myself. i think i'm going to delay the next injection by a month, 1) so i can do my event in february, and 2) because they gave me too much last time anyways, it seems too soon to get more already and 3) i scared [] shared that his mother gets botox in the brain. so many places that botox can go another test that i fail a lot is when someone asks me hey are you going to [event that i'm aware of but had resolved not to go because of my responsibilities]? [] confirmed that they are visiting february 9, i am so excited and i am visiting [] march 7. i love visiting i've been watching survivor: gen x vs. millennials instead of basketball. i actually sometimes love survivor. there was a time when i would watch "funniest survivor moments" "emotional survivor moments" compilations for hours. all of it ultimately makes me sad, especially when i look up where the contestants are now. thinking about rob and amber and how they fell in love on the show makes me queasy with emotion. idk why 01152024. dang no one was gonna tell me i've been dating these 2023 haha good morning flounder realizing i had like a month with no voice symptoms, which is all i've ever wanted, and what i chose to do with my new bandwidth was wreak havoc on my own emotional world by seeking attention from men i love my roommate, probably more than i love any non-nematode, however i wish he would not use the kitchen after 1am it is time for my second annual reread of their eyes were watching god. if only someone would bring back their library copy nervous about 11am appointment because a coworker is shadowing me and that's never happened before, and also there will be three children, which is a lot. the applicant has an asian-coded last name but i'm sure they'll be white. what can ya do the mom was white the dad was korean the appointment was great the kids were cute and i really like that coworker 01142024. flounder the craziest thing happened i was on a date with a man (already off to a bad start but there we were). conversation blah blah. he makes a weird joke about how keeping a dirty room helps strengthen the immune system (getting worse). i ask, 60% joking, if he is vaccinated. he says, with his entire chest, No. i ask, against anything? nope. covid? nope. measles? he says, people get vaccinated for that? i ask, are you stupid? he tells me a story about how he had covid once while he was living with 10 people and no one got it. "they were even hitting my vape," he says, proudly. i ask him to take me home the craziest thing is we were connected by a mutual friend who i like and respect. idek how to give him feedback about this lol hey flounder i am going to do an experiment for the rest of the month of january. it's when i don't drink alcohol or date men for the rest of january. it seems to me that i have a disordered relationship with both of these things. it feels necessary to do something about this because school starts on tuesday and i think i need to be less depressed than i currently am in order to be successful. so yeah let the experiment begin. oh i already hate it thanks dori <3 great andrea gibson poem "wellness check" 01112024. good morning flounder no breakfast :( there are kids here on a tour today. swishing around in their winter gear my sleep has been doing this weird thing where i don't fall asleep til ~1, wake up around 4, go back to sleep and wake up again around 8 i have shoulder soreness from scraping ice off my car every morning. also maybe from playing guitar movie date tonight before movie date must (maybe) *eat *work out *oil hair *shower 2/4 would be fine had my annual meeting with my manager. shoutout my manager. without me bringing it up she offered to make accommodations for my voice. shoutout my manager 01102024. hey flounder so tired again lol got dangerously close to snoozing at the desk headache! got home made a sandwich ate sandwich fell asleep woke up made ramen watched clippers vs. raptors i'm just a teenage dirtbag baby 01092024. last night was soooo fun 01082024. good morning flounder i am feeling suspiciously positive today i had a great time with [] yesterday. a highlight was when he said something not very smart and then said, after a serious pause, "i'm not very smart." it is true second semester starts soon and i am nervous about this [] tonight and i am excited for this [] drifting (me too) and i am sad about this not really though because then i remember things like the time i texted several sentences expressing gratitude + excitement about our relationship and he replied, "mutual." not even "the feeling is mutual," just, "mutual" i did not enjoy the show with [] on saturday. it was loud and he was trying too hard. he's mentioned before how he feels like lobbying has altered / masked his personality and i think he's right. i still think he's awesome it's just a weird vibe spent a lot of time with A this weekend yay! his crazy schedule starts today. stay strong A parents are visiting this weekend which i think is good called little brother last night, one sentence he said was "there are no stakes in my life" ... just noticed [cute coworker] shaved their head. cool very nice might have to start a new donotsend page lmfao haha oops just wrote in my december log ate a sandwich a watched the snow for an hour. it is looking really white outside. i am very tired i really hope [] can make it tonight!! and i really hope [] does not checked out the recent posts on UIUC reddit, mostly students seeking subletters, softlaunching their course schedules and complaining about homeless people. lame the executive director just came by ew! she is kind of slaying today in her little headband though being an asian woman in a service job is kind of yikes sometimes. i did not love earlier when that man said "you're so sweet" and all i did was hand him a pen one more hour zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 01052024. just remembered i like watching basketball 01042024. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have a good day i wrote a song in a google doc yesterday at work, was looking forward to playing and singing it out loud when i got home, which i did, but it didn't sound as good as it did in my head it has been [4] days since bluet's last relationship termination [coworker/buddy] said i should get a camera crew to follow me around on my romantic experiments. "it's entertainment" he said benching myself soon so i can do school though maybe i should be able to date and do other things at the same time but idk it's like an extreme sport for me putting out a song with [] soon and am excited about this <3 01032024. good morning flounder remembered eye drops today yesterday was embarrassing so i have decided to chill out had a good night with A 01022024. good morning flounder carrying some heavy mixed up feelings today has been ok. A got back while i was at work, i am still at work. [] should be getting ready for his set right about now, i will not be there, which is right, but makes me sad [] is being weird, i think because i went out with []. who could have predicted this? me last night [] sent me a text about how good it felt to "have someone to cry on." reader, he was referring to our BREAKUP. he continued, about our "good memories" and about the song he just finished, that he feels he started writing about me before he ever met me i did not expect to feel angry but i do i am angry because *i apparently engendered for him some kind of emotional release, whereas i just feel bitter and twisted up *he says i taught him a lot. i think he will be better for the next person. cool that he got to practice on me *to put it as simply as possible i guess i feel like i made him better and he made me worse. i know this language is problematic but it's how i feel [], i loved you, not as a partner (you did not make this possible), but the way one might love an animal what i mean is i loved watching you, and being around you, and learning about you, and taking care of you i know it sounds bad; this metaphor gives me too much power, as the human, or pet owner, whatever but it's not actually like that i actually felt quite powerless, because i couldn't expect anything from you, all i could do was watch, and wait, and train (lol). and when you hurt me there was very little hope of making you understand i don't usually love people this way, and i think that's why the loss feels different too usually at the end of a relationship i feel like i escaped something i feel more like i had to release you oh hey look you texted me back good luck tonight i know you'll sound great 01012024. hey flounder dori thank you for your message of solidarity. i have often wished there was some kind of registry for such men, i have at least two names to contribute. there are women we must warn! oh well thank you alioop <3 happy new year