10302023. hello flounder

almost november that's crazy

what did i do this month

*new romantic entanglement

*covid

*performed again

*started drinking again

*visited [city]

*continued haircut avoidance

*continued caffeine reliance

*continued cooking avoidance

*reconciliation with []

*rekindling with []

*^ both part of my mission to see men as people again

*sent [old friend] off to [new city]

*struggled in school

*picked up this new bad habit of scratching my neck

*started reading fiction again

*overspent... see #4, #5, #7, #8

*watched [] turn 27 and [] turn 25

*i don't think i watched any movies (AVOIDING THE CREEP)

they are expecting me back at work tomorrow dang it

what does it mean if someone signs off an email with "truthfully yours"

10282023. still on the worsening course

was managing lots of negative feelings yesterday. facetimed with A from our separate rooms that was nice

[] is over just have to say it

wish i had a vanilla latte rn

10262023. covid again. damn. ouchie. boo

alsdkfjalksdjflksajdiofjwiorjojbnleh.

not happy with [] right now but it's like being mad at a kid

when i had covid in december it was a crazy time in my brain and i floundered a lot. i wish i'd saved them dang it

i was seeing [] at the time. we were supposed to go to a new year's eve showing of when harry met sally but had to cancel. we texted a lot while i was quarantining. the golden age of our relationship

called with D earlier i miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he read me something about seeking wonder / learning to be still / to let your heart be a magnet to ... something ... something about awe ... idk it was nice

i have been thinking about being still. that's all

10252023. called in sick

a mess!

did a full bluets reread while walking laps around the lake

and started a reread of activities of daily living by lisa hsiao chen. forgot how much i like

watched last quarter of celtics vs. knicks. forgot how much i like

feeling silly about some things i said to [] on monday. forgot how much i like

10242023. gonna be giannis antetokounmpo for halloween

had a good night

good hair day bad face day

hungry in a deep way like damn i need to go home just for a family meal way. could probably fix this by eating better. instead i will go home this weekend and do some serious eating

saw [regular] again today we had a good talk about forgiveness and i think i might have given him the impression that i believe in God

gray and rainy today

feeling kind of weird and shaky. this is probably a hangover

10232023. coffee

sad

REMINDER TO MYSELF TO FIGURE OUT CLASS REGISTRATION TODAY

the meaningful things i did today were help someone make a lost dog poster and help process a name change

also got to see [regular patron] who told me "damn you look tired"

open mic tonight <3 hoping for good feelings

10222023. feeling weird and bad about something i was very recently delighted about. a pattern! dang it

on the bright side

A is back!

L was here <3

i can afford my medical bills

10202023. good afternoon flounder

it's a rare work AND school day off and i fear i am already wasting it

10192023. good morning flounder

alioop you're so right re: people from the past! thank you for the link <3 i appreciated the prompt to "look at your relationships through the lens of love" and the invitation to reflect on what i was doing during the april and may eclipses because that was a weird time!!! i should also probably ponder the part about finding yourself in similar situations with different people

[coworker] says these a lot

*not for nothing (to start a sentence)

*never a dull moment

omg there's more but i'm forgetting

10182023. good morning flounder

~~~ caffeinating ~~~

big thing due at midnight get off work at 6 it's not looking good but i believe in myself so much that i'm not stressed. delulu is always the solulu

executed a passport application for a perfect baby yesterday, i loved talking to the parents, they told me my name is popular in [country], they were very careful with everything, as most new immigrants are, (as i'm sure my parents were), because they know things can go wrong

chicago recap attempt

*saw [old friend from college town music scene] first :) he is carrying around an unopened pack of cigarettes and seems really eager to open them but proud or soothed that he hasn't idk. he's seeing someone new and seems excited about this but not seriously invested. told me he's "in a good place right now" and it really seems true but i've never actually heard someone say that unironically. anyways it was really fun and comforting to be with him. i'm proud of him and there's a lot about him that is aspirational to me. we got boba and then walked to grant park and then rushed into harold washington library because i was late for my zoom lecture

*met up with the nematodes for dinner yum yum yum sleepy

*next morning visited delightful interactive museum/selfie spot lol. then really good really strong vietnamese coffee that left me vibrating which is how i arrived to C's place. they cooked a lovely steaming nourishing meal and i settled. i love you

*went straight from C's to dinner with M. lots of thoughts about M this trip. love her so much. hope everything works out

*ended the night at M's place, sleepy on the couch, just like old times, frou frou "breathe in," making wishes for M's 27th year

*next morning coffee and treats with [summer camp best friend i haven't seen in nearly 10 years] that was crazy. she rocks. a real truth teller. this used to hurt my feelings sometimes when we were tweenagers but now i can't think of anything better in a friend

*big spicy lunch with the nematodes and the parent nematodes

*then back to [town]! then back to [town]. i thought about [] the whole time

respond to

*M. should probably be an email

*N. maybe also email

*C !!!

*D :)

the woman who popped out of a room to tell me she can sense energies and vibrations and that she can tell i'm having a bad day and asked if i would wear her lepidolite bracelet for 30 minutes to help rebalance. i hope i never forget this interaction

dang everyone logged out for the day huh

if i submit this thing on time i am going to reward myself with drugs

done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10172023. hey flounder i had a really good like really really fun 8pm-3am last night which required serious neglect of a few important things but i am not here to judge her. just observing for now

gave chat gpt my october flounders and asked it to speculate on the author's myers briggs personality type and it correctly determined INFP

10162023. good morning flounder

made it on time. i will take the win

it seems i racked up a bill getting my voice treatments and may have to stop uh oh

honestly ok with this though i have always suspected that i could cure myself if i just tried hard enough so maybe this is the encouragement i need

jk i'm suffering

dominant feelings right now

*sympathy for [distraught coworker]

*anticipating reunion with []

*hungry

*have to pee

*stress about upcoming grad school deadlines

*appreciation for song request message from [new friend]

documenting the first time i have been screamed at from a car since may

*where: [main road] between workplace and lunch place

*who: passenger (man), white compact car

*what: couldn't make out words but it sounded like one syllable with a short e vowel

anyways

enduring a mild headache. like yesterday

managing a big crush. like always

10152023. HELLO FLOUNDER

it has been several exhausting days and i am back and ready to navelgaze

hey alioop i loved crying in h mart! i read it on a train a couple years ago. and like a year before that i got to go to a little reading she did on campus, she read the story about the karaoke bar. i didn't know she came from a family of voice actors

i think it's sweet that you hold some of your friend's early memories for him. that's such a special thing that we can do for each other

had sooo much fun in [city]. will recount some other time

right now the resounding feeling is that i missed [] a lot and am happy to be back where he is

actually putting myself to bed now to avoid another thursday incident (i wake up when i'm supposed to be clocking in)

10102023. hello flounder

a lot happened last night

good things!

*performed

*in attendance: A, G, [], []

*^ everyone met each other. omg

*on my way home with [], a text from [high school peer/my first kiss/person i haven't laid eyes on in seven years]

A liked [] which was hugely surprising and felt good. did not like [] which was affirming

A tells me [] seems like someone that i need to go into things with knowing what i want

anyways this morning got coffee with [first kiss] omg lol

he was wearing the same black converse i remember from high school

he looked good

like halfway through he seemed to be managing an onset of nerves but maybe he was just cold. it was like his voice started to retreat

apparently we dated for two months. i remember it more like two weeks

i really liked listening to him and talking to him, he is really careful with his words, maybe too careful, lots of disclaimers

it was kind of overwhelming. like emotionally it felt like a precarious situation idk how to explain. like we were constantly at risk of saying something that would seriously shift the mood. what was the mood? i don't know

apparently he remembers the moment he first noticed me. "it was in history class with that teacher who looked like a drill sergeant and you had the biggest can of tea i had ever seen with a little straw in it" bro hahaha

it became clear that we remember completely different things from that time. everything he brought up i didn't remember and everything i brought up he barely believed. i usually think of myself as having a good memory so that was weird

he said he thinks we could've been friends and i agree

10082023. hello flounder

had a beautiful morning with G

it's that time of year when my 2017 ex checks in chaotically. the updates this time are that he was a step daddy for a year and he is gay

smoked a baby joint last night and had the best sleep of my year. they are really onto something with this stuff

called both sibs last night for help with coding homework. did not make progress but got to see their cute faces yay

thinking about [] and what a small man he is

10072023. good morning flounder

7am waking up in the morning gotta be fresh gotta go downstairs

yesterday i was filled with energy. unusual

*breakfast with L

*walked around [college campus that is not my campus but i have good memories there]

*saw the voice doc, they took another video of me reading the script (there are three videos now), compared the latest video to the one from august, observed that my voice has gotten worse but "it's not night and day," the decision being botox again but a slightly higher dose, two weeks from today

*my voice therapist from this summer sat in on the appointment. it was good to see her. she helped me a lot

*got lost driving home. stopped at the store to restock A's snacks that were mysteriously eaten while he was gone

*A had returned from his trip by the time i got back yay. we did groceries

*made dinner played music went to gym yay

*sweet text from [sweet friend] letting me know they're planning on being at open mic next week to see me play YAY

*stayed up too late texting [] uh oh

on thursday night L and i called with C. L and i lay on the floor with the phone between us. buttercup was hanging out too as a kind of proxy for C. i loved this. after we all said goodnight i stayed up for a little longer and finally slept at 5

i think i feel good right now because of the weather and my friends. and my lack of acne (lackne) if i'm being honest. having a treatment plan for my voice is also a huge relief. i'm feeling so good that i want the bob. the fuck ass bob

my eyes really freak me out sometimes. they're so weak

10062023. had a seriously good day will flounder about it tomorrow

10052023. good morning flounder

bad face day (gonna think of alioop when i say this now hehe <3)

maybe medium face day actually

hard to tell because i had five minutes to get ready. woke up so late for work smh bluet. new record

thinking about [] this morning

i have a feeling i am dealing with someone really special. scared to mishandle. because i do that

thinking about attempting reconciliation with [] because i don't need any more tension in my life i have enough in my voice

and i think it would be really easy like i could just be like hey man are we cool. because he is one of those people who doesn't think about the past

i never would've described someone this way ^ before meeting []. he was the first person to articulate this difference in people to me (i hadn't previously comprehended that there are people who actually like to think about the future). so now sometimes i like to get crazy and locate people in one of two aggressive categories: past-oriented people and future-oriented people

[] was a highly past person and this actually became really annoying to me. like damn the narrative has been written. good job. now go write it down somewhere and stop telling it to me

10042023. hello flounder

a little better today but seems fleeting

not sure about anything i'm doing tbh! but will continue doing for now

L arrives thursday evening <3

10032023. hello flounder

bad face day

called with L while making dinner last night. miss her so bad

10022023. good morning flounder

bad voice day

good hair day!

looking for memoirs about voice and/or speech disorders. really what i want is to read john hendrickson's book again for the first time

i read it back in may. weirdly finished it right before i got my diagnosis. i only just watched a video of him speaking for the first time. interesting to hear his stutter after reading about it -- it's really bad. i thought the interviewer was being kind of condescending but i guess that's better than being impatient

picked up lauren marks' "a stitch of time," about her experience with aphasia

she describes something really interesting that she calls the Quiet. it's when she's in the early stages of her aphasia and the sudden loss of language makes the inside of her brain really peaceful and it's impossible for her to fixate on the past or future, she describes the present as a beautiful orderly thing that happens "through" her. it's actually really calming to read her descriptions of this time. she's like, everyone was freaking out about how i couldn't speak but their worry didn't make any sense to me so i just concentrated on the Quiet. the party got loud so i returned to my room in order to access the Quiet

the videos of jimmy butler from media day are really doing it for me right now. i have no choice but to stan

10012023. GOOD MORNING FLOUNDER

OCTOBER

fed

sleepy!

breakfast with G <3

A went back to [shared hometown] for the week. you know what that means! bluet self destruct

omg kidding

anyways day 1 recap so far:

*breakfast, G's treat :3 biscuits and gravy yummm

*^ i drove, it was my first time driving to their place from the new place, it was a straight shot down [big street] which was pleasing. everywhere i ever need to go is a straight shot down [big street] it's just a matter of when to stop

*submitted some school stuff

*hung out with buttercup. she's been moody but affectionate

*soba for lunch

*idk, loafed

*gym

watching new season of glow up. i don't like anyone that much except for maybe roo