11292025.


December 22, 1989

something within me, which is not me, which I search for

something within me, which I sometimes think is me, but

never find

something that shows up for no reason, shines for an instant,

and then

vanishes for years

and years


mario levrero "empty words" prologue


11262025. good evening flounder


finished the thing i was writing so i'll feel good for a couple days


11252025. good morning flounder


voice still wrecked after COVID #3, i've started apologizing for it at the beginning of conversations because it is so distracting


feeling impatient, waves with no shore


i think if i could talk to both my C friends every day i would have a stronger sense of ease in life


11242025. good evening flounder


8 years of solo modelo


2 tinder matches at the bar. sudden death


best Saturday everrr. socialist house party expansion pack unlocked


11202025. good afternoon flounder


online chess call with sea friend last night, three hours


generally skeptical of fast connections...but sometimes there's just a vibe


11192025. good afternoon flounder


practicing all my languages


11182025. good morning flounder


back at work. i missed people! small talk feels like a party


11162025. good evening flounder


while home sick I have mostly thought about


the fomo has been multilayered. many events missed, one mine to host. jia ren in SF with my peng you


11142025. good evening flounder


COVID day 3 I miss people. wonder what is even going on out there


memory of being sad yesterday


11132025. good afternoon flounder


I think I have to..... *gag* ..... update...... my resume *collapses*


11122025. good morning flounder


on this day in 1854 Henry David Thoreau wrote

i cannot but regard it as a kindness in those who have the steering of me that, by the want of pecuniary wealth, i have been nailed down to this my native region so long and steadily, and made to study and love this spot of earth more and more. what would signify in comparison a thin and diffused love and knowledge of the whole earth instead, got by wandering? the traveller’s is but a barren and comfortless condition.


but in July 1851 wrote

a traveller! i love his title. a traveller is to be reverenced as such. his profession is the best symbol of our life. going from — toward —; it is the history of every one of us.


I am sick, weak all day, played some facetime chess with Nick, he told me that story about Andrew Jackson again


11112025. good morning flounder


feeling unwell


recap


reasons


actions


every time someone asks me about leaving, i say something about how attached i am to the job. but look at me. if you could see me right now you would think, this girl does not like that job. i do though


it is important to have examples, this is how i learn. examples of brightness and fluency and precision. i have few examples here


a shift - double grocery trip with A. broth and pomegranate and cheese and an album I forgot I loved. construction and renovation in random places - apartment across the hall, store 1 parking lot, store 2 entrance. sometimes you have to find another way in


11102025. good afternoon flounder


weekend of events. all fun despite unkind strangers. being in public with a chess board can invite all kinds of behaviors and energies. sometimes lovely precious connections. sometimes men who want you to know they are not only smarter than you but also capable of physical violence *shudder* ew


it was annoying that [] didn't do anything about the man criticizing my game and detailing his alleged history as ex CIA specializing in "hand to hand bloodbath" - no effort to deflect or anything, probably would have just let me take it forever. sometimes i really want to tell him, man up. this is not the first time a stranger has escalated things with me and [] has just watched. actually it is the fourth time. but this is who he is, an observer / prey animal


silly idea - move back to college town. no. unless


apparently the tode and i are done fighting. nice of him to decide this


11072025. good morning flounder


weird to be back after one week so concentrated with meaning/newness/comfort/love - but returning yesterday felt fond. nice talks with chess friend, art friend, snack friend, thoreau friend. gift of latte from A <3


11052025. good afternoon flounder


woke up at purple friend's <3 bless her


it's interesting how different people like their windows / light


here, all blinds are closed, with an extra layer of black lace. several sources of neon purple and blue light


at C's no curtains. any sun immediately casts patterns across the floor. this happened in the middle of a conversation yesterday and C went yay, sun!


at nematode's, blinds closed except for one halfway up. cats have torn holes through the curtains (gauzy white), I think no one cares


at D's, big window with the glass purple flower panel, refracts onto the door


11042025. good morning flounder


woke up at C's. simmer pot


11032025. good morning flounder


I wish I had brought a beanie. was too confident that I would not hate my hair


yesterday 11am-5pm with C <3 the last few hours nematode included. I always see them both when i'm here but never together. 3-player chess was flawed but somehow everyone had fun


C always committed to revision + precision. finishing a sentence yesterday morning, long story in the living room: "[situation] simmered over...blew over? simmered down"


about a previous job: "it wasn't a healthy ecosystem...it wasn't even an ecosystem. it was just...festering"


11022025. good morning flounder


Saturday morning a 6am train from college town to city I love. dark blue and every time I woke up it was a little brighter. 8am you could see all the trees, the girl at the window stared out with such steadiness + serenity that I was ok with not getting the view. 9am arrived, M was already parking. we drove too far west on our way to the hospital. inside clean and huge like a hotel or airport. here we had coffee and I started to buzz from tired + coffee + happy (true tingling across the face). M spoke mostly about her job and some about the husband. she talks so fast lol <3 and sometimes will react to her own sentence before I do. half an hour walk to the water, getting used to M's gait with the cane. i'm glad she was honest with me when I suggested the movie, I think a few years ago she would've gone in even if she didn't want to


in the evening clumsy commute from nematode's apartment to the venue. waiting for us nematode's new best friend Casey. I thought it was funny when "between the bars" came on between sets and he put an arm around nematode, swaying and singing to him. this was the most he vibed out the whole night


weird to visit nematode post G. in some ways more interesting. but I miss the tea in the cabinet, clean sheets and towels folded on the couch, makeup remover. he seems to have kept her empty shampoo and conditioner bottles in the shower


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