11302023. good morning flounder i failed

a man will beg you to be his girlfriend and then not act like a boyfriend at all. interesting. taking away his flounder initial. %$#& []

need to do school need to do school need to do school

it is going to be so fun when it is thursday december 7 and i am done with my first semester of grad school and i am done with my first semester of grad school and that is only one week away on thursday december 7 on the 7th of december which is a thursday

i noticed some flounderers have been floundering about exes

my 2017-18 ex is coming into town for a wedding next week. i think it will be fun to talk but i could be wrong

11292023. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have another good day

11282023. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have another good day

had fun hosting book club teehee

11272023. good morning flounder

starting this day off right (breakfast and coffee. life hack)

B has texted "good mourning" another one of his cute language accidents

should i get a nugget couch? i decided on this over the weekend but returning to my room i realize there is less space than i thought there was but could still make it work

brb gonna look at pics of nugget couches

omg it's SOO good and i would get the bamboo color. idea creds to big bluet

should consider more because i recently spent a similar amount of money on a new pair of glasses. flounder my eyes won't stop getting worse. it felt necessary to get new frames because my current ones are quite large and round which i like but large frames = large lenses and my lenses are so heavy because of my crazy prescription. so i chose a new pair, the skinniest pair ("it's giving evil librarian" -A) yeyuh

"wyoming" by elijah fox came on while i was studying last night, i listened to it like four times and then listened to the whole album, so good

wearing my new blue cardigan ("it's very raindrop" -bigsib) yeyuh

it's crazy how without the laryngeal spasms i essentially do not have anxiety. unfortunately it is a costly and temporary solution with depressing side effects

since may 2023 i have been in a few different relationships and been experiencing a few different vocal states, and the enduring problem is my inability to separate co-occurring feelings about the men and about the voice. but maybe it doesn't really matter

just learned about cottage cheese. in the yummy snack way not the eating disorder way

15 minutes til clockout. good day start to finish. maybe my undoing will come with the night

excited to change into my blobular outside nighttime clothes. currently in my playmobil outside daytime clothes

^ vocab creds to S (blobular) and O (playmobil)

excited to see B outside. had a lot of inside B time lately

had to report something today which i did not like. what people do in this building is none of my business. except it is because i work here

so flounder it is officially "crunch time" for my semester. my first final deadline is this sunday (12/3), then next week thursday (12/7) and friday (12/8). if i do things a certain way (my normal way) i could be having the worst nights of my life on each of these days, which would be survivable individually but three in a row might really wring me out. to avoid this outcome i am trying something new where i do a normal amount of work every day instead of all of the amount of work in four hours

11262023. good morning flounder

stuck in a loop but not a bad one

in this loop i get to kiss boyfriend and live with best friend and work at job and undergo online schooling. without the last part it would be almost perfect but i have reasons

resized my linux disk. goodnight

11222023. good morning flounder

can't wait to go home and see the sibs yeyuhhh

A left early this morning, scraped a message into the ice on my windshield

reminder to myself to feed buttercup before i leave tonight

11212023. hello flounder

feeling bad about my recent unethical behavior

rewatching insecure. can you believe they scored molly and dro's first sex scene with nick hakim "needy bees." this is my roman empire

regarding my new relationship i don't think it's a match. foreshadowing from enneagraminstitute.com:

Fours tend to give up on the Nines (as being hopelessly inert and dull), whereas Nines tend to give up on Fours (as being too demanding and emotionally volatile).

it has been dark all day

if i were a man it would take me like two conversations with bluet to deduce that she is for the streets. but because i am medically softspoken and dress like a librarian they think i am wifeable. i'm NOT. #freebluet

the bright side is that the misguided decisions i make create a lot of opportunities to practice self-forgiveness. not self-improvement though i don't believe in that

11202023. good morning flounder

suddenly tapped for words

made breakfast rice yeyuh

had fun at the skate park yesterday

reading olive kitteridge

the botox in my vocal folds is starting to break down to a good level meaning they are paralyzed enough to stop spasms but not so much that it is very difficult to phonate. a caller said something about me having a "lovely soft voice" and it made me feel really strange, because it's not really my voice

worked with a chinese family today. that was nice i wish it happened more. it is always a surprise for both parties, lol. like they walk in steeling themselves for whiteness and then it's me. hello

11192023. hi

bleh

11182023. heart feels big today

kaffeeklatsch <333

11172023. hey what's up flounder

big day yesterday

low functioning day today

makes sense

about yesterday

work and then school and then meeting and then show. and then B and then minor crisis

11162023. good morning flounder

11152023. hello flounder

today has been quite challenging

not in the normal spiritual way

just feeling worn out

gonna take some personality quizzes i guess

i don't think my brain is wired for girlfriendhood

i am wired to be limerent

and just in general getting what i want doesn't seem to make me happy

or maybe i just have wrong ideas about what i want

read every study i could find on sodium oxybate as a treatment for SD, so like, two

11142023. good morning flounder

welcome back alioop <333

thank you for reflecting me

"trying to get the baby to laugh" sounds like a fun game

blowing raspberries is kind of similar to a vocal warmup i do. so cool that your baby is doing voice therapy on herself

i would be so psyched if i was a baby and my mom was floundering about me

last night was perfect and unserious. i was born to be an open mic creature

email sign-offs recently received

tentatively yours,

resoundingly your friend,

truthfully yours,

there should you need a pal,

stay cool,

love love love you

love always,

xo

idk i love you,

ironing in the fire,

had a good day at work. it is always nice when [regular] stops by. he reminds me of [regular] who doesn't come by anymore, who made me feel seen. she achieved this by telling me, "i see you"

11132023. hello flounder

the update on my larynx is that the botox dose was too high this time so whereas my vocal folds are normally prone to slamming shut without warning, they are now paralyzed to the point of not being able to close or constrict properly, this has created a breathy and limited voice, limited in both volume and range, which A is calling my "NPR voice"

when the botox starts to break down there should be a period of a couple months where i have a good voice

animals people have said i would be if i was animal

*cuddlefish

*otter

*fox

*penguin

*salamander

*whale

today was a good day, even in its breathy and weak state my voice is less anxiety-inducing to use now than it is in its normal spasmodic state, i'm not sure that would make sense to anyone, since breathy voice is more concerning and sounds more like sickness/unwellness than choppy voice does, to most people

the one really cruel thing is that this dose of botox has made singing impossible, and in general will always make singing harder, so i kind of have to pick one, singing or speaking, and i have to pick speaking. boooooo

or or or

i run out of money to do this and just deal

seeing B later. hope he is prepared to make up for my lack of speech. he usually isn't

got a smiley sticker for doing something good

[] stopped by and chatted, that was nice. his sign-off: "text me"

when i have time i am going to come back to make a list of interesting sign-offs i have received

11122023. starting this day off right (breakfast and flounder and hot beverage)

well a lot happened while i was away. there is someone here who calls me his girlfriend now (sometimes squirrelfriend sometimes "little lady" because he possesses an old school country kind of vocabulary)

i met him in april at an event i hosted at [work] though "met" is a strong word i really just watched him perform. his set was actually a rare moment of peace that night, my brain was everywhere trying to read the room, scanning for unhappy attendees, keeping time etc. but his voice was so surprising, so deep and warm and stable especially for someone who seemed so shy that i think everyone stopped mid brain activity to listen. that was april, relationship-wise for me it was between D and G, my heart was still with D, i don't remember thinking anything watching him perform other than wow, amazing. i don't even think i thought "he's cute," which he is, but my woman brain was not engaged

i didn't see him again or think about him until september, we were in the same room by chance and he recognized me from april. i hadn't spotted him, i was being alone with my book. i wasn't having a good time that night but decided to stick around when [] who i will now grant the flounder initial B sat down with me

we said bye in the parking lot, he patted me on the shoulder, honestly it was kind of a shove, lol. which is consistent with how i have come to understand his way of physical touch. his choices are interesting, familial, kind of awkward...sometimes when he pulls me to him, like if we're on a bench or something, it feels less like a ~move~ and more like he is trying to ground himself, like when he takes my hand and kind of just plays with it. he is slow to settle, needs to be holding or worrying something, otherwise he may float away. that's why his thumbs have all these crazy hangnails

i came on here to make a to do list

*clean bathroom

*replace conditioner + body soap

*place work order for broken shower

*do school thing

*check school email

*cook rice. figure out what is going on in the fridge. is the spinach still ok? what about the kale

*pack tomorrow's lunch

*work out

*oil hair

when i have time i will return to tell you about my chaotic laryngeal botox injection

11082023. good morning flounder

feeling better today

why?

*showered

*breakfasted

*coffee

*pimple popped

*email from []

a caller just signed off with "i appreciate all your help. you sound like you're sick so i don't want to make you talk too much. you have a good day"

sigh

i don't remember what it feels like to not be obsessing over my vocal health

need to get into a book before i start to unhinge again.....i thought it was going to be amy key arrangements in blue but it's not the right kind of blue book for me....

brb gonna do a round

11072023. good morning flounder

sometimes i get hangxiety sometimes i get hanghappiness

last night was big, i took it all calmly, but with the awareness that what was happening was crazy for the plot. no thoughts yet. is this a normal way to experience life

fyi i think what happened is good

i miss my sister

the day someone checks the cameras to see how much i'm on my phone it's over

just now i learned that researchers somewhere are studying sodium oxybate as a potential treatment for spasmodic dysphonia. sodium oxybate which is GHB which is a "club drug" which is a nervous system depressant. which is currently only prescribed to treat symptoms of narcolepsy and in some countries, alcohol withdrawal

11062023. good morning flounder

i had a stressful night and things are a little touch and go this morning

came home with several self-diagnoses and A methodically debunked all of them, phew

that wasn't the stressful thing though

using a lot of eye drops, never a good sign

despite everything i still feel like i'm "in a good mood"

how do i know that?

i guess because i don't feel like i'm about to cry, or like i want to hide from people

A suggested making a vision board to remind myself wtf i'm doing here (grad school)

the last time i made a "vision board" i was maybe in the seventh grade and it was for health class. i wish i knew what was on it. i remember enjoying the project. what could i have envisioned?? it probably just looked like my tumblr feed

it's crazy how easy it is to not do work at your job. not all can relate

idk what to sing tonight! i was going to play [song] for [person] but they can't make it :(

11052023. good morning flounder

i have been awake for two hours and haven't had a bad mood yet yeyuh

crazy how much better i feel when i have breakfast and wear makeup

today costar tells me to "be a blank slate"

day 1 of wearing my little "i have a voice disorder" pin at work. just curious to see if it helps. idk

stayed up late talking to [], he suddenly had a lot to say. i wish this happened more. by talking i mean texting and by say i mean share

A returns today. this may be the first A-less weekend during which i did not initiate, escalate, or terminate a relationship

11042023. good morning flounder

november challenge day 4

btw the challenge is to survive without majorly disappointing myself or others

finally checked into the discussion about group assignment. i am so sorry groupmates. need to get all that in tonight because tomorrow i will have another deadline to worry about

finished a song last night

today costar asks me "why are you in such a hurry?" and yesterday, "have you ever counted how many intense relationships you are in?" the answer is all of them. relating to people is extremely intense

A is out of town again. before he left he reminded me to "keep it chill"

i had a hardcore october, trying to have a soft november. i feel like last night was a win for soft november because i declined an invitation and made a meal. in hardcore october i would have accepted the invitation and skipped the meal

my forehead is being creative again

thinking about the time i greeted a coworker in the morning and then worked with him later in the evening. he looked at me and said "woah. i didn't think you were wearing white." and i was like "i am." and he was like did i see you earlier? and i was like yes, i was wearing the same thing. we have the best conversations

i thought of this because i am wearing the same white shirt today. no one will ever say anything as interesting about it as he did

having a high anxiety day which means having a difficult voice day. having thoughts like "am i a good person" "am i ever being myself" which is outside my usual scope

11032023. hello flounder november challenge day 3

actually brb gonna finish an email

finished the email

i saw [] last night for the first time in a while, he was waiting on the porch, and met me at my car door, don't remember anyone ever being so excited to see me

confused to report that i find him completely precious

hanging out with him there is an effect like a weighted blanket over my brain, he is the antidote to something

[april-june bae] had an effect like...idk...like a shock to the system. being around him was disorienting. sometimes really fun!! tearful laughter was normal

[july-august mistake] had an effect like...idk...being around him wiped me out...afterwards i would feel like i survived something...it was kind of like hanging out with myself...laughter was not normal

[october-current surprise] makes me think of something [old friend] said in an email once, about his new relationship:

To update you, [] (tiny poem) and I have been getting along for about 6 months now. The going has been as the tiny poem was--wholesome. Far more wholesome and kind a place than I ever thought I'd be allowed to inhabit.

does everyone know about google's emoji fusion feature??? this is going to change my communication game

11022023. good morning flounder

dark circles spooked me in the mirror today. i checked with A, he said i look like i got punched. applied makeup, so i look less punched but equally unsettling. [] stopped replying last night in the middle of making plans

finding everything pretty difficult!

alioop "four months" made me smile today, i especially like the part where she fake coughs for attention. i love how expressive she is, baby babbles are so cool

book titles that are stuck in my head

if i were the ocean, i'd carry you home

drunk on all your strange new words

thinking about song titles that are sentences

love me in whatever way

leave me (like you found me)

the sun is in your eyes

someday we'll all be free

(you're a fish and i'm a) water sign

sometimes i ignore you too

i was sad last night i'm ok now

don't miss it

are you in love?

you're too precious

i love you more than you'll ever know

do what you gotta do

i just called to say i love you

how can you mend a broken heart

how deep is your love

how much can a heart take

you needed love, i needed you

11012023. good morning flounder

back at work, feeling ok about it

happy november

gonna try to be a more present employee this month. lol

will also try

*cooking more. need rice restock

*breaking through my school dread. i think i have made some progress here already. yesterday it only took me ~an hour to log into canvas

*exercise more. dancing, skating, maybe even gym, if i am feeling crazy. stretching!

brb time to read my alice sparkly kat horoscope

Questions for Cancer for November 2023:

What type of work makes you believe in the world a little better?

Is there work that shuts off possibility for you?

What work feels too normal for it to matter to you?

ew

danced for a while to the new troye sivan yesterday, "something to give each other." i love when pop music is good

things i did in quarantine

*watched the bear season 2

*called D, called A, called mom, called []

*replied immediately to every text i got. this was fun i could do this all day