05192026. good morning flounder

fell in love this weekend, just sayin

05182026. good afternoon flounder

the last few days have been wonderful it's hard not to wish i could keep it longer

05062026. hey,

i'm feeling strange. maybe anxious. not wanting to focus on writing or reading or the computer. and no one to talk to up here. hyperaware of the new security team - they have started leaving the door open to display their panoramic views so you can see them seeing you. i have this fear they are in there saying, look she's on her phone again. so i'm on the computer. working working working

last month i was reading fiction more quickly and pleasurably than usual. then [thing that happened] happened and the mind became restless and stupid again. sometimes i think i can only analyze one thing at a time. i have spent a week and a half trying to figure out why she treated me like that, why i felt vaguely dehumanized by everything that happened, and the answer was actually so simple it's almost offensive, she's in love with him

i have only been able to wish her well in abstract ways, like imagining rays of light, and actually even that pains me a bit

i want to write !!!!!!!!! specifically i want to write about the closure of [venue] which meant so many different things to me during several important years. (do you have a venue like that? like a portal that opened and closed?) maybe i analyze that next. i revisit those years constantly but have never written much

honestly i think a part of me is waiting for A to leave, which will break my heart but is impending and necessary, then her too, then maybe i can move on

i am monitoring a few friendships that feel extra charged, not in unwelcome ways, but it gets tricky if i start to crave some kind of release then go looking for it elsewhere

i wish i loved the grind more. B thinks everything is a grind, especially writing, and he writes a lot. even inspiration is a grind, like he will specifically view or visit something in the hopes of being inspired in an actionable way. i have such trouble continuing work on anything that doesn't feel like it is excavating something from my soul. yet i could still grind out a book review every month, lately i'm too lazy even for that. i'm surprised i can even flounder

05052026. good afternoon flounder

smooth the harsh edges

of breath-energy,

loosen the tangles

of worldly emotion,

glow with a soft

harmonious light.

dwell in the world,

do not deny it,

merge with the dust,

resonate with outer things,

be still

and not entangled

(idk how to cite the tao)