05302025. good morning flounder on a mission to have a good day 05262025. good morning flounder breakfast this morning was just boiling things, egg miso soup tea. now i'm going to try and write something about pathemata (maggie nelson) + aster of ceremonies (jjjjerome ellis) but idk if they will want to be together excited to go to [] tonight but don't know who will be joining me or if anyone...which means idk if i will go at all. i used to like going alone but now would just rather do something else if there's no one to inhabit the event with, such a chaotic spiritual and sonic space update i had a perfect night. you should always start the group chat @aviary truee all my most difficult speaking scenarios would never involve you. unless i was giving a speech and you were in the crowd or something. or if you called my work and i didn't know it was you before i started talking unfortunately being drunk continues to be extremely fun 05252025. good afternoon flounder woke up at 12:36pm no libraries open today, thought about making the 45 minute drive to [neighboring city] to visit their library but also closed. actually got excited about this journey, haven't been there since late 2022 or very early 2023 don't remember. was dreary and abandoned feeling which is ok for a day trip life in [hometown] for one week deeply enjoyable and satisfying because no schedule other than internal, wake up eat write or chess for a few hours, then switch, then music, get a coffee in there somewhere (if writing and chess at different locations get coffee on the way to the next), then interacting with family members. on the last day tried to do more external like shop and bar (chess at bar), did not feel the same soul level appreciation for life during these activities especially because of treatment from bartender, but found great pants and overall meaningful time with little sibling theory that big sibling has the other part of my voice and that is why mine is impaired and why when our voices are in the same room mine is stronger. at work during weird speaking moments tried to hear her voice in my head kind of related pathemata quote maggie nelson >as a kid I talked so much and at such high velocity that I had to go to speech therapy so that people could better understand me. I could, of course, understand myself perfectly—as could my sister—so part of me wondered whether there was something else they wanted to fix, which they were euphemistically calling "my mouth" (p. 6) 05202025. good morning flounder today is wednesday and then tomorrow then back to [town] at a beautiful library 05192025. good evening flounder today *woke up late after a prolonged stay in instagram reel hell *deli meats and yogurt for breakfast *walked to kaldi's. chess time and journal *back home. violin and piano and nap with cat. all in the same room! *dinner *chess vs. mom (me lost) then dancing. now hot water and flounder i can improve on this day tomorrow by reducing time in instagram reel hell or eliminating altogether, writing, reading #reminder to text [] the last two verses of joni mitchell "woman of heart and mind" >all this talk about holiness now >it must be the start of the latest style >is it all books and words >or do you really feel it? >do you really laugh? >do you really care? >do you really smile >when you smile? >you criticize and you flatter >you imitate the best >and the rest you memorize >you know the times you impress me most >are the times when you don't try >when you don't even try > (insane chord) 05182025. good afternoon flounder at the library with @aviary together but apart 05152025. good evening flounder graduation tomorrow today i end my 11-day work streak and tomorrow begin my 8-day not working streak 05142025. good morning flounder still pissed at [] which will never change anything. could not gaf if his life depended on it ate three types of chip yesterday: sweet spicy chili dorito, hot cheeto, great value jalapeno chip gym last night, stressful cop drama on the TV depicting violent deportations MAGGIE NELSON PATHEMATA OR, THE STORY OF MY MOUTH came in, it is a beautiful terracotta color which me and two other coworkers are wearing a significant amount of today 05132025. good morning flounder @bigassbug hahahaha. i am not in my 60s but am occasionally driving through stl just realized i haven't had a day off since last monday maybe that is why the headache [] on my violin playing: "i liked how every time you messed up, you smiled" ... i didn't know i messed up SCARED to look at my screen time but i'll do it... ok i'm averaging like 5-6 hours a day it feels worse though trying to figure out how to return to self after shedding student status, i think it would have been nice to go out for drinks last night but too tired. i could do something tonight like solo movie and modelo, a regular activity pre grad school but maybe also too tired and would rather company. i think gym would be nice because i need to be worked out not sure where to spend the next week. the PTO has been approved so i have to be somewhere. the thing about bluet is i am always taking PTO and traveling to people who are not trying that hard to see me. so maybe i don't go all the way to [city] and just stay in [hometown]. one branch of the public library does chess EVERY DAY. i have never heard of a DAILY chess library program, that neighborhood must be serious about chess [coworker] is like a fun white dad i never had, or fun white friend of my dad that my dad never had. i appreciate his support with [event] so much and it makes me happy when he reports back about his guitar and performance progress. this morning he was like, i totally bombed last night. which was a nice conversation to start my day because it was a conversation specific to me and not something random with no purpose (the usual) the roommate turned 26 on sunday, i'm next... last night trouble sleeping, thought about last summer's trip to [lake town] with mom. patricia highsmith biography on the beach while she waded around taking pictures 05122025. good evening flounder grad school era OVER, the next part of my life i will dedicate to chess and house music 05102025. good afternoon flounder very long weekend of work but last night was worth it [] admitted that he plays passively against me in chess to see how i'll attack. bro you just outed your underlying method of engagement with me 05052025. good morning flounder last night the manager was cool and even supportive about me leaving early to get to []. there i met up with [], while we waited played some question-asking game on his phone. he asked do you see us being as close as we are now in 15 years? the answer obviously was that we will never be as close as we are now. i asked him what about me annoys you the most? he said leading up to certain events/responsibilities i talk constantly about my nerves then the thing happens and i don't seem nervous at all fun and floaty night, the roommate even made it out and took one of my favorite pics of me ever. afterwards a lady said [] and i are beautiful together, a portrait. i think she was misreading us but maybe detecting something true of course i am weary and socially uncoordinated today but the night was worth a whole week <3 now time to start a new book and lock in for FRIDAY!!! #reminder to text [] 05042025. good morning flounder saw "the shrouds" with [] last night, he was quickly exhausted, kept hearing him sigh, and i was also pretty sure pretty early on that we were watching a bad movie, but stayed engaged because 1) i love a good atmosphere and 2) recent reading of klara and the sun meant i was already thinking about AI+grief. also i think i like movies where everyone speaks with barely any inflection, even during dramatic conversations on the drive back, [] shared about his recent fall into love, though the way he describes the person is not quite loving, fond at most. he has been reading "the will to change: men, masculinity and love" by bell hooks and met this person during a particularly impactful chapter which i think explains most of it. then i talked about my crush which also probably lacked feeling—by the end of the story [] hadn't even realized i was describing something good that happened spectacular dinner party tonight. idk if it's a party if it's three people and one of them is the roommate. but it felt like a party because it was so fun. we danced and sang and watched music videos. troye sivan "got me started" music video is so beautiful it makes me sad 05012025. good evening flounder! may! experiencing joy, satisfaction and belonging today #wtf i must thank [], he has no idea the ease he brought to my day. i think we could have had a beautiful local friendship but when he was still dating the roommate it never occurred to me to get to know him on my own and when they broke up the distance seemed like common sense...i see now that the most logical thing was for me, the roommate, and [] to be FRIENDS!!! it is too late for that now, [] leaves at the end of the month, but i will never forget these weeks book club went quite well me happy manager happy readers happy yay a real compliment/disclosure from [] today, he blushed when he realized how nice he was being, precious to me, idc if we don't talk for another week