07292023. working all day

read in some student journalist's interview with evan stephens hall that he is an elif batuman fan. yeyuh

still sad but in a more complicated and less powerful way

07252023. feeling pretty sad in a simple and powerful way

07242023. terrified for the end of this week. not sure what's going to happen or how it will feel. i will be ok i will be ok

open mic last week was amazing yay

i am feeling very little friction with my surroundings lately. maybe i am happy (i know why). enjoying this

L left yesterday. soon it will hit me that she's no longer a 10 minute drive away. need to plan for this sadness

a coworker had me over for lunch. mixed feelings but mostly appreciative

finding it really hard to focus. and also to mask my reactions. was in a training today during which the discussion got way off track and made me really uncomfortable/irritated. i think it showed but maybe i am overestimating their awareness

only one comment on my voice today but it was enough to piss me off! i am ok

all the nematodes are together in chi. or they were this weekend. it's really crazy that i wasn't there. oh well

normal people quote
>she closes her eyes. he probably won’t come back, she thinks. or he will, differently. what they have now they can never have back again. but for her the pain of loneliness will be nothing to the pain that she used to feel, of being unworthy. he brought her goodness like a gift and now it belongs to her. meanwhile his life opens out before him in all directions at once. they’ve done a lot of good for each other. really, she thinks, really. people can really change one another.
>you should go, she says. i’ll always be here. you know that.

bluets quote
>i can remember a time when i took henry james's advice--"try to be one of the people on whom nothing is lost!"--deeply to heart. i think i was then imagining that the net effect of becoming one of those people would be one of accretion. whereas if you truly become someone on whom nothing is lost, then loss will not be lost upon you, either.

07192023. does anyone know how to be a good open mic host

six days since first botox injection to the vocal folds. a lot has changed but not my voice

that's a lie there are some small changes. i am breathier. i think there are less breaks. starting sentences has felt less perilous. it's really hard to say though

it's raining and i'm at the lib. my current feelings are a mystery to me

that's also a lie

???

feelings:
adore
anxious
attached
anticipating
gratitude
hope
fear
hesitate
FEAR
dissonance (this is not a feeling but a relationship between feelings...now which ones are those)
surprise
melt

06282023. going through the first real heartbreak of my adult life!!!!!

05312023. gonna do an everything i did today kind of entry because i am caffeinated

*woke up (first, kept imagining checking my texts. maybe three or four times. developed the impression that the text i have been waiting for, arrived. then, actually woke up and actually checked my texts. got some nice ones but not the one i've been bracing myself for)
*didn't make the bed
*brushed teeth, washed face. detected a pimple brewing on the forehead, left side
*breakfast rice!!! (brown rice + soft scrambled egg + chili oil + butter. was out of furikake. have been out for a while. still have the two empty containers)
*???????????????
*did not do the dishes
*did not take out the trash
*continued reading zadie smith "on beauty"
*perished on various surfaces -- bed, couch, floor
*got dressed for the gym and drove to gym. did exercises at the gym. blah blah. during this got really hungry and thirsty and kept clutching my body. wondered if i should've eaten more than breakfast rice
*went home and ate yayyy
*took out the trash
*finished the newest season of indian matchmaking, started a season of terrace house i haven't seen before
*this is where it got weird! it was like 2:30 and i didn't feel like staying at home but had to be mindful of work starting at 5. so got dressed and drove downtown with no plan
*sucked a 16oz cold brew into my body with ferocious quickness!! rediscovered the meaning of life. during this, texted with little brother about the bad news about his new job. he will be ok
*now am here. waiting for my shift to start

voice therapy yesterday. made lots of sounds and stretched my tongue. learned more about the side effects of botox injections to the vocal cords. the SLP assured me i am an excellent candidate: "i can see your larynx"

saw L last night <333 she left her bracelet (again, a different one though, the one with the planets) and i am wearing it right now

talked with C on the phone on...monday? a couple hours outside the coffeeshop. made my day! thinking of making a standing appointment

when it comes to speech maybe i should try quantity > quality! gotta get these reps in. who cares what i say. i'm just using the muscles

L shared her annotations of my twelve page essay. i felt unspeakable gratitude. maybe the truest act of love i have ever received. some highlights:
>bars fr
>:((( wtf
>i've grown to learn that this is true about u.
>these were difficult times. i recall.

dang it a stranger just spoke to me and it broke the spell

05252023. had my first voice therapy appointment yesterday. the SLP misspelled "dysphonia" three times on a sticky note (she was trying to write down the name of the international association that deals with spasmodic dysphonia. these days they go by "dysphonia international"). she was like "dyshonia" oops "dyshpo..." oops haha pregnancy brain!

so yeah i have this ridiculous sticky note that i'm still carrying around for some reason. as proof of something, i guess. currently it's stuck to the cover of "festival days" by jo ann beard which i like less than "the boys of my youth"

the appointment was helpful. i sang happy birthday through a straw. and did some other stuff

figuring out how to be a person with SD, who is not ashamed, and doesn't hide it. so instead i am being someone who talks obsessively about my disorder. i told three coworkers about it last night. i was trying to explain why i needed someone to do the closing announcements for me. eventually i hope to stop being this way, but it is just a lot to process right now

the doctors think i developed a tension problem to compensate for the voice breaks caused by the SD. they think i've been bracing myself for the breaks and trying to control them. they think my attempts to control my uncontrollable SD (which i didn't know i had) have resulted in my soft, easily fatigued voice. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS WHOLE TIME MY "SOFTSPOKENNESS" WAS JUST A REACTION. UNDOING THIS REACTION, I COULD ACTUALLY BE REALLY LOUD. IN MY HEART AND PERSONALITY, I MAY ACTUALLY BE SOMEONE WHO IS "LOUD." I WO ULD JU ST SO UN D RE ALL Y BR O KEN

i broke up with someone because sometimes it felt really hard to speak around them. i took this as a sign of our incompatibility. there were other signs, but still, i'm feeling pretty stupid now. i know now that our relationship coincided with the increased presentation of my SD so my breaks were getting out of control --> i was using more tension to compensate --> my speech was effortful and tragic sounding --> the sound of my own voice infused every speech act with a feeling of self-hatred (a feeling which i started attributing to the relationship itself haha)

getting ice cream with G later. hope that helps