07302025. good morning flounder


this is the week of mornings because i'm on all the 11-8 shifts so have several hours at home before I start


a friend used to say all the bad feelings come after 9pm so she just goes to bed at 9pm


but I think morning hours are similar! if I have too much time home alone in the mornings I get myself in a weird mood and then work is weird. not weird mood in a bad way just kind of untethered


enjoying "groundskeeping" by Lee Cole and next will read "the defense" by Nabokov


ok, today is the day I share my aquadome story. the story is that about 10 years ago I played a show there. this guy had seen me do a couple open mics and asked me to do a set. then I transferred schools and it was like, bye aquadome. sometimes I would get drunk and go on Instagram live and take song requests. one time that guy got on and was commenting weird things so I blocked him. the next day he was in my Facebook messages, like, "I have thoughts of k!lling myself" so I blocked him there too. the end, that was my aquadome story


idi his first name rhymed with a sport with green courts and his last name rhymed with an job where you have to get up really early and use an oven. aquadome guy if you're reading this what the fuck?? but i hope you're ok. maybe you don't even remember


i have a strange compulsion this week to only wear bad outfits


hi mothbaby idi moldgold thank you for bearing retroactive witness lol <3 i didn't tell anyone about it at the time and just tried to wipe from my brain but recent music scene weirdness just brings up old stuff


moldgold i was there 2017-2018! i barely did any aquadome stuff but from the 2 things i went to i remember someone who went by "adam in the parking garage" (i think) and someone who played at the same show i did who did a very earnest acoustic cover of smashmouth "all star." my boyfriend at the time was at the show with me, he was kind of a jock and had trouble inhabiting the vibe but when the smashmouth all star cover happened he was like ohhhh, ohhhhh man this is awesome


kirksville has a highly special place in my memory, i get uncomfortable thinking about it sometimes, like it's this extremely powerful alternate timeline that i barely sidestepped


poor performance from me just now

person: (watching me print something for them, i'm wearing a jacket today) isn't it crazy how it's so hot outside but you have to wear a jacket in here

me: yeah i forgot to bring one yesterday and i got so cold

person: yeah meanwhile everyone who's out there is just melting

me: yeah crazy world

person: i guess if they all just got jobs they wouldn't have that problem huh? (baiting me i think)

me: they could just come in here too

person: well a lot of them are homeless and they're scared of the cops here

me: oh. yeah that's true


07292025. good morning flounder


I struggle to do any good writing inside the workplace


I wish to be free

to be overheating in the garden

to eat an entire box of popsicles!!!


sometimes I wonder about the effect of my dry eye disease on my mood. my eyes are always so dry and eye drops don't help much. I do a lot of manual yawning to produce tears which makes me feel tired. I do a lot of squinting which makes me feel skeptical. and sometimes I just have to stop everything and close my eyes which feels like a nap. sometimes I have to slam my eyes shut in the middle of a conversation. I guess it's just another instance of the body betraying me


awesome phone call update from aviary jajaja


the euthanasia influencer from Ghana just hard launched his desire to live, what a weird time to be on the internet. mostly my problem with him is the terrible writing


found out [music scene guy] is a predator and a monster, why does this always happen... ( [] specifically used these words and they normally avoid language like that). honestly he never really fw me. a couple times he introduced me to the stage as one of his "favorites" and the cosign meant something at the time. and when [] and I started dating he said once, this makes me so happy! but mostly he didn't talk to me and sometimes he acted like he didn't notice me in a room. I guess I'm suspicious now of the people around him. not that I ever really had a great time around them anyways


two questions I answered very effectively today


something C said

i want to learn how to use a sewing machine so that i can alter my own clothes and my friends'. tailoring fabrics to our specific measurements feels like care


07282025. good morning I wish all flounderers a good last week of July


I love to be at the cafe very early!! no work today. waiting for G <3 trying to make progress on articles before they get here


thank you dori •ᴗ•


operation have a good week is off to an ok start, A's garden was terribly overgrown, just bursting with stuff, falling off the trellis, basil all gone to seed, so we were out there for a while and I got really hot. ice cream cone helped but the effect was mostly emotional. now I have a headache, I had wanted to go to the thing tonight, too bad


after many popsicles and 2 Advil I am free from the headache!!! shoutout to chronic headache havers everywhere, if this happened to me every day idk if I could hold down a job tbh


reading "groundskeeping" by lee Cole which I like because campus novel but dam reading straight people flirt is lowkey boring


07272025.


I didn't go to the show, I think the point of me considering going to the show was to have the conversation with coworker about mountain dew and snickers


I just ordered Chinese food for delivery for the first time in my life. it was a smooth and delightful experience, from (registering hunger) --> (identifying craving) --> (clicking on stuff) --> a Chinese person arriving at my door with delicious food. wow


07262025.


flounder should i go to the show tonight


i have early plans tomorrow but wizened coworker said a mountain dew and a snickers would wake me right up. this is the remedy that got her through the adventures of her youth


when i'm having trouble making the right choice i try to ask myself "what would a responsible person do?" and this actually works sometimes when the choice is like, should i lay down and be on my phone right now or should i wash the dishes first and then lay down and be on my phone. and every time it works i feel like a genius brain hacker


07252025.


person: the copier needs more paper

me: (investigating) oh sometimes it says that but it's actually just confused, i think the problem is something else

person: well that's what it said.

me: yeah i just think it's something else that needs fixing (actively pressing buttons and troubleshooting)

person: well that's your job.

me: (alarmed) yes i know. i'm just thinking out loud

me: (realizes something bad is happening) i'll be right back (retrieves my pleasant butler-like coworker who old ladies love)

butler coworker: (identifies problem)

me: ohh so it was trying to pull from the other tray (i'm literally talking to the coworker)

person: (hurt, confused) i resent being told that this is my fault.

me: that's not what i meant at all

butler coworker: the copier really isn't intuitive, ha ha

person: (about to cry any minute) well, that's how you're making me feel. i was just trying to ask for help.

me: (checking myself to see if i've accidentally been screaming at her this whole time and didn't realize it)

me: i think it's working now but let us know if you see any other issues


and then a little later she actually came back to say thanks and that she thinks there was a misunderstanding


thank you @idi i received the beam

one day i hope to unlock butler mode!! maybe i should start dressing like one


yesterday i went to the movies with two people who ended up in a strange circular friendship fight for like 2 hours, here is how i see it


person 1: depressed, recently subjected to unthinkably upsetting and destabilizing life/legal events

person 2: has been spending a lot of time and energy trying to support and love person 1


person 1's needs: to feel like people understand the magnitude of their pain and the risks of their situation, to feel like people believe them

person 2's needs: to feel appreciated for their attempts at care


person 2's chief complaint: that person 1 constantly expresses how alone they feel, that no one is there for them, that no one believes them - which person 2 feels erases all of their attempts at care


person 1's best case scenario: idk, for life to make sense again, to feel safe again

person 2's best case scenario: for person 1 to verbally express gratitude more often, but even more importantly it seems, for person 1 to cease all expressions of alone-ness, pessimism, and persecution (hard because person 1 is literally being targeted); for person 1 to implement all of person 2's advice in order to overcome negative thought patterns


things person 2 was not saying (i think):


mostly i was alarmed by how person 1 was basically letting person 2 yell at them which is why i stuck around and made cringy attempts at mediation. the funny thing is that there was actually a person 3, who mostly sat in silence (i worried he was completely overwhelmed). afterwards he texted me a poem and said "was thinking about this when i was zoning out" .. that man was reading poetry in his head alskdjflkdsaj


07212025.


man asks for help printing something but is having trouble opening the doc, shows me his screen and i realize he is trying to print out a fake legal form that chat gpt made for him...i start asking clarifying questions to find the actual form he needs, while i'm doing this he begins to consult chat gpt, like, talking into it, like he's on the phone. like: "remember what we was talking about earlier?" oh my god


07162025.


I keep telling chess friend too much


07142025. good morning flounder


so thankful for phone calls this weekend: big nematode, Kyle, cohabitant, C, mom. two hangouts but the calls were more consequential in a way


last week monday through friday bedtimes and wake up times were good. then on friday (~‾⌣‾)~ and saturday (T⌓T) i was up til 3


today i am feeling heavy and weak, literally, like it's kind of hard to move


friday night ended with someone telling me i should read james joyce because i said i liked peter's sections in "intermezzo." this conversation happening after bar lights had come on - "WE ARE CLOSED!!!!"


one month til seattle weekend


I let myself get too hungry at work today then came home and ate things that made me feel bad. try not to do this tomorrow. it's ok because I felt better after chess time and cleaning the bathroom. I checked the schedule and I should have a good morning tomorrow


07092025. good morning flounder


The Big Deep Fish are Purple in My Sea -Thomas Merton


when i get home


non gym version


got home


07082025.


when i get home


got home


the big deep fish are purple in my sea -thomas merton


07072025. good morning flounder


the best part of that movie was when johnny was literally driving frankie insane and she was screaming at him to get out, and goes I WANT TO BE ALONE. I WANT TO WATCH MY VCR. I WANT TO EAT ICE CREAM. I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP


"a coffee in berlin" did much better at lonely people representation


07062025.


Frankie and Johnny is SOOOO WEIRD


cried a little bit at planet fitness


07052025.


I slept for 12 hours!!!!!


@punkreflex is making me want to read stoner, i started reading it two years ago while dating [] (it was his favorite book) and then he left the state and I gave the book away (¬_¬”)


you know when you pull up to the local music thing and it's just 9 white people who all know each other and also it sounds kind of bad. sorry if that's mean. I'm just jealous

╮( ˘ ､ ˘ )╭


tomorrow watch "Frankie and Johnny"


conversation with [difficult to explain friend] downtown tonight

me: (noticed him) oh hey

[]: hi

me: how are you

[]: nice nice

me: you want some juice

[]: yeah

(we walk to the corner to cross the street to get to the cafe but I forgot he won't cross the street without the pedestrian light so now I'm at the cafe and he's just standing at the corner. now he's turned to face the opposite direction and I hope he didn't forget that we were going to the cafe. I trust him to remember, and go into the cafe myself because now the pedestrian light has come and gone, he's still facing the opposite way and I don't feel like yelling at him. when I come out with the juice he is here)

[]: it's good to see you. or something. I don't even know what the word is (I really understood him in this moment)

me: yes it's nice to see people you know

[]: so what was your age

me: i'm 26. what about you

[]: i'm 29

[]: when's your brithday

me: June 21. a couple weeks ago. what about you

[]: June 27

me: oh nice happy birthday. so it just passed

[]: yeah. that's what I was told

me: did you celebrate or anything

[]: yeah. I just walked around

me: that's what I did on my birthday too

[]: do you have a boyfriend

me: no. I don't really like boys right now

[]: you like girls?

me: I don't know. I don't really like anyone

[]: are you a virgin?

me: no and that's a weird question

[]: oh. that's been coming up a lot. I try not to come off that way. and do illegal stuff. like running a red light you know what I mean

me: yeah

[]: (something about the character mushmouth from fat Albert. I got worried he was going to tell me I remind him of mushmouth because he often compares me to movie characters)

[]: do you have kids

me: no do you

[]: no. but I have plans

me: to have kids?

[]: yeah something like that

[]: would you ever marry someone who looked like me

me: no because I don't want to marry anyone

[]: (thoughtful distant look)

[]: I think I know him (looking at person crossing the street) I think I went to high school with him

me: oh yeah you grew up here

[]: yeah I went to [high school]. you know where that is?

me: not really but i've heard of it. it's kind of outside of [town] isn't it?

[]: no it's in [town]. I mean it's far if you're walking. but anything could be far. like that could be far (points at trash can five feet away)

me: yeah like if you were this big (using my index finger and thumb to evoke the idea of a four inch tall person) and you had to walk all the way over there

[]: ... see sometimes when I talk it messes you up

me: no i'm not messed up

[]: ... (recycles juice bottle) good to see you (leaves)


(he comes back like five minutes later)

[]: so if two people come out of the same tummy or like vagina or whatever, can they have a baby

me: I mean they could but the baby might have problems

[]: like if they come out the same tummy or vag it'll always be like that? or is that like, made up?

me: I don't think I understand what you're asking

[]: I'm just wondering if you've seen that before

me: no I haven't seen that before. I don't think it happens very much

[]: what about ants? if they come out the same one then what happens

me: I don't know

[]: (points at my phone) can you look it up?

me: (googling ant reproduction)

me: (summarizes results)

[]: (visibly pleased) ok. cool. have a good day, maybe



07042025. good morning flounder


was just listening to this Sufjan Stevens song thinking to myself, wow i'm enjoying this Sufjan Stevens song, and then he goes "you checked your texts while I masturbated" ... -_-


alone day ingredients/goals

*true alone time (chess, violin, read)

*alone around strangers (coffee shop, gym)

*intentional interaction (???) (call?)

*deep clean something (stove)

*other: drop off compost, take out trash


oh God now he's literally singing "we're all gonna die" -_-


"the queen's gambit" moment lol

she momentarily considered walking into the town, where she heard there were a dozen places to drink beer, but thought better of it. she did not want to erode any more brain cells...she would get some coffee (p. 149) yeyuhhh


alone day update: just watched "a coffee in berlin"...niko finally got the coffee! ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)


07032025. good morning flounder


chess and coffee with the moving soon friend <3 (to champaign on the 14th)


staying in town alone this weekend. Instagram lady said the recipe for perfect alone day is 1/3 true alone time, 1/3 alone around strangers, 1/3 intentional interaction


of course I am in town alone always but in a more powerful way this time (holiday weekend)


07022025. good afternoon flounder


conclusion to the story of the book i left in the rain...despite spending days placing and replacing paper towels between pages, despite the freezer, the pages have started to mold. the book was eros the bittersweet. (G said: what is desire, if not a drenching?) the damaged interlibrary loan bill: $43.33


at work feeling weird. reading "the queen's gambit," not great


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