new page where i put texts that i can't send. once i put them here i can't send them that's the rule

01152024. driving to work this morning i remembered the time i caught up with you in july (august idk?) and you spoke at length about feeling directionless and distressed and doubting everything about your life and goals. i felt for you and was worried about you. the next time i saw you, like a week later, i followed up about the feelings you expressed and it was like you had no idea what i was talking about. i think you actually thought of a completely new lie every time i asked "how are you"

01142024. your unstable wasian ex still stalks me on socials. she's been using a new account to do it (that makes this the third one, that i know of). i feel unsafe and i hate you for this

09292023. i specifically asked you to keep me blocked on everything why couldn't you just do that one thing for me. i don't want access i have already seen more than i ever wanted to see. fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off

09222023. holy shit i just remembered the time we were in bed and you asked “what’s something i don’t know about you” and i answered and when i asked you back you thought for a while and said you couldn’t think of anything. it was weird then and terrifying now

09192023: you always said you didn't want to show me [] because "usually people share their art because it says something about them" and you felt that [] didn't say anything about you anymore but it does it does it does you just don't like what it says because what it says is that you're fucking weird

09192023: why did you immediately accept my venmo charge? is it because you feel guilty? is it because you just want me to leave you alone? or is it because i now have knowledge that a certain reddit community would be really interested in

it's wrong for you to keep getting engagement from [] and you know it but i'm sure at this point the attention is a basic requirement of your secret egomania

09182023: i hope one day for the sake of women everywhere someone figures out what is wrong with you

09142023: lose the journal, the letters, emails, etc. block me on everything you can think of. do not ever use anything i ever told you to bolster yourself in conversation e.g. the way you so obviously used the knowledge you absorbed from [] to talk about ceramics or the wasian experience or thrifting. !!!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE ME AS A PRIMARY SOURCE !!!!!

09132023: you gross me out! (understatement)

09112023: i developed a theory that you terminated me because you reinitiated with []. applying this lens almost all of your behavior makes sense. the only thing is it makes me want to throw up

09102023: it's kind of romantic how you rescued each other from femcel/incelhood

09092023: if i had a dollar for every time i found out my white ex's ex was a sexier edgier me (asian) with bangs and a red hair phase and a large simpish instagram following i would have two dollars

09082023: why did you eat my duck

when i remember about the duck i think about how you and your parents (white) ate it up and probably didn't even appreciate what it was (a special dish, expensive, requiring a trip to the chinese butcher that my mom timed so that it would still be good when you got back) and probably didn’t even have that much fun eating it together (waste of duck)

my mom gave it to you to bring back to me actually she told me to share it with you. i was excited to have duck with you

you said you didn't bring it back because "there was no way it was going to make the two hour trip”

which makes me think you'd never brought food back before? your parents never sent you off with meals? maybe it's an immigrant thing? there are some foods i can't get here, like duck. my mom always tries to send me off with something i can't get here

when i told her she said: why would he do that?

later when i told her it didn't work out with us she said she'd had a feeling it wouldn't

(ever since the duck)

maybe the bigger picture is that you did me the favor of stopping by my parents’ house at all and that you brought back the important thing that i needed for work

or maybe the bigger picture is that 

you ate my duck

when i told you my mom meant for you to bring it back you said 

"i understood there was some ambiguity there"

i literally just told you there wasn't

when i asked if you wanted to be in a committed relationship with me you said 

"that's what i'm trying to figure out"

faced with imagined ambiguity you ate the duck anyways

when i showed you the burner accounts [] made to follow me you said i'm sorry this is happening it isn't fair to you. i'll tell her to stop

what you messaged her was

hi i hope things are going well i was just wondering if you had made any new instagram accounts recently? some people have been noticing some strange things happening with their accounts

i'm paraphrasing. i think i have actually conveyed a more confrontational version

in one of your last emails you said

"thank you for not being upset when i ate the roast duck your mom meant for me to bring to you"

what you never asked was

if i was upset

when you left my apartment for the last time you said

"i think it would be selfish of me to stay any longer"

what you didn't ask was

if i wanted you to stay

what you didn't say was

if you wanted to stay

somehow you generated a sentence that effectively disempowered both of us and erased both of our desires

i may never understand why 

you ate my duck

but i feel as though i have a sense 

of the implications

09072023: just fyi if you date a third asian woman it’s not gonna look good for you. i know you’re eager to use everything you’ve learned about the asian american experience but three in a row is really bad. i want you to beat the allegations i really do

09062023: i miss you [17 vomit emojis]

09062023. [pictures from the last time we hung out] keep these for me i don't want them

09062023. hey before you go what do you think is a good age for our marriage pact?

damn i really wanted to send that one