12262025. good morning flounder

sometimes the first conversation you have at work ends with someone telling you how their father died from mustard gas during WWII. and before you can respond they say "BUT WE WON!" and then "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

12172025. good morning flounder

goddesses and bodhisattvas

• tin hau
• guan yin

life-changing phone call with mom where i learned about ancestral spiritual traditions repressed by communism and colonialism!

wondering if i can use intellectual freedom / censorship as a metaphor to get white library workers to care about racism? like "imagine if we only had books by white authors on the shelves" ... lol

12162025. good morning flounder

coffee with L sunday afternoon sweet close to a good weekend

wondering if many people are walking around out there with mottos? mottos recently collected: "the hangout never ends" "it takes all kinds"

kind of obsessed with "the hangout never ends" because it was not really a response to my comment but when someone starts a sentence with "my motto is" you must listen

something i say to myself is "it's never too late to have a good day" also "fed is best"

i think my flareup of emotion towards [] was about the contrast - he is so vibrant! but not for me

thinking about the adorable house party person who was suddenly very interested in my voice and suggested reiki. "there must be something in your past telling you that it's not ok to speak"

i yearn for a day off to woolgather at the coffee shop

12122025. good evening flounder

@idi thank you! yes it felt like something deep inside me was being challenged. p.s. let me know if you figure out how to not be bored out of your mind at work

the experiment this week: accept every invitation. sleep not good. having fun but it gets tiring to party with new people because i feel so close to them but so far

12112025. good morning flounder

having a bad day but can't tell anyone why so can't tell anyone i'm having a bad day

12052025. good morning flounder

12042025.

this is the month i lock in with reading and stay out of white people's business

12032025. good morning flounder

interesting conversation with the cohabitant last night - me pacing around living room/kitchen him loafed on couch

a couple weeks ago a coworker who i am pretty good friends with needed support / near crisis intervention because [] happened and i found out yesterday that [] did not really happen. upset because felt manipulated into giving a certain response - "they don't deserve you" "i won't let them do this to you" "after everything you've sacrificed" etc.

cohabitant says, see this is your obsession with the Truth again. who cares if [] did not really happen? the friend was telling you something that felt real to them in the moment and then gave you an updated version later. this is very common in mildly traumatized patients. (i note that i am not a doctor and this is not my patient but to him the point still stands). if the goal was to support the friend then why do the details matter? you are not doing an HR investigation. it's not fair to offer support to the friend then hold it against them later

conclusions

• people tend to think i am the softie and the cohabitant is the hardass but they've got it wrong
• sometimes when navigating emotionally charged situations people secretly take on different jobs in addition to "friend" - doctor, HR, journalist (the credibility of sources is important to me)
• the cohabitant is more philosophical than he thinks - "truth is subjective" "there are no facts"
• (related to being a secret journalist) i process people's stories very differently from the cohabitant, map out facts, memorize sentences, which is also how i read. he shared that he does not pay much attention to details when friends tell stories, just tries to get the gist, also how he reads (in the case, the gist was that the friend felt betrayed and targeted, so who cares by who/how many people - i care because i know those people and the information from the friend impacted how i feel about them)
• a basic requirement i have of a friendship (previously subconscious) is that i need to be able to take >50% of the things that person says literally
• if an inaccurate retelling of events frustrates me so deeply then i probably do not like the person that much
• connections with coworkers should be developed sparingly
• i continue to live out the concerning pattern where i am a supportive and available person then regret it / panic about the friend's possible overreliance / seek an escape route (has only happened with white people of a certain personality disorder)

12012025. good afternoon flounder

soo quiet today. perfect day to cut some rattails

one should never give one's self out of drunkenness, pity, contempt, curiosity only, or passion only. there must somewhere be about a sexual liaison a spot of cleanliness, of joy and exuberance. there is nothing more sodden and unforgivable than the giving of one's body and the closing off, simultaneously, of one's mind.

Alice walker undated journal entry ^

i wonder if it would be possible for me to write a story that is essentially a love story which ends happily?