12282023. good morning flounder

i am at work

good hair day medium face day medium voice day

12272023. good morning flounder

scream

yearn

my favorite meme accounts are the ones run by people with bpd. i know this because they'll say something like "i have bpd and a fat ass" in the bio

had a dream that [] posted a picture of us and made it so that no one could like or comment

then had a dream that i was watching []'s instagram story and they had made a bunch of posts around 4am of them doing the "pick it up and preach" challenge, which is something i saw on my explore page once, a seriously hard watch

i miss my coworker [] her firing is still so shady to me and no one knows what happened. obviously do not believe management about it but i don't really believe her either. love her though

if my suffering were greater maybe i would feel compelled to do something more meaningful about it like write or read or something

finding out someone i helped recently is a registered sex offender, not super unusual at this job but yikes

it's snowing <3

12262023. hey flounder

christmas was fun, i missed my sibs, i like my new ring, it was made from a spoon and looks like a little silver fish wrapped around my finger

been back at work for a couple hours, stressed out, but nice to get out of my head

weird day!!

got to see my two work buds though

i wish i could stop thinking about []. this is a disorder. make a decision

i am a normal person and can be trusted with romantic attention

i am a normal person and can be trusted with alcohol

i felt like a balanced focused person for like two days near the end of the semester. that was nice

12212023. good morning flounder

it is dark outside

short shift today

heading back to [hometown] soon

but first

*christmas shopping

*clean

clean

*put clean laundry away

*do dirty laundry

*wash dishes

*take out trash -- + empty containers in fridge

*take out recycling -- boxes + bags

*put living room back in order

saw the boy and the heron last night with S <333 just two grad students having their quarterly hangout

i love that movie theater i wish it wasn't such a problematic space for me

people i have been there with

*fall 2022 bae (once)

*spring 2023 bae (twice)

*summer 2023 bae (three times)

*L (soo many times)

*NJ (once? with S)

*S <3

*mom dad and brother once -- winter 2022 for a special christmas showing

*other summer 2023 bae (once, no movie just a drink)

*A & E once, when E was in town. no movie just drink

*maybe that's it. i wonder if i've gone with L more times than i've gone by myself

i miss [] and his weird touches

like the way he would greet me by putting his whole hand on my head like he was palming a basketball

12202023. good morning flounder

so tired

12192023.

the people at [] don't really fuck with me anymore ever since i declared singledom from []. oh well they never really fucked with me

there are a number of people in that space who don't engage with me unless i'm attached to someone

there are a couple who greet me and communicate with me regardless. they are the homies. then there is [] who only ever talks to me to ask me about []. rolls eyes

[] said it's because it doesn't make any sense to anyone that i would be there alone. he said people are like, whose is this? lol. barf

just went to this staff social thing it was actually fun but i am really tired now and i think i was weird

my end of semester bender is over. bye

12182023.

had a great weekend. in my substance use era

gonna sing tonight

good hair day bad face day medium larynx day

[] is being sweet but it's too late to mean anything

....or is it

it is ..

.

.... or is it

---terminating this thought---

gonna sing tonight

12162023. good morning flounder

work 8-5 and left my phone at home boooo

i had a memory of slipping something phone shaped into my bag so i didn't double check. it was a protein bar

i have been glued to my phone lately. this will be a good opportunity to retreat into my thoughts instead

survived hour 1 without phone

there are at least two personal emails i could reply to that would both take some time. hour 2 here i come

onto hour 3. during hour 2 i wrote an email took some photos and interacted with two people

voice is symptomatic again &%#$! $%*#!! %*&$!!!!! rip to my botox personality

got through the last hour without my phone by gabbing with [], he loves to gab, that's why i like him. also he is cute

pitchfork called mitski's "my love mine all mine" a "snow globe of a ballad" <3

in a cursed part of my botox cycle where both my singing and speaking voices are symptomatic. so cool and it only cost hundreds of dollars

12142023. good morning flounder

no breakfast no makeup am just here

gave [] a call last night because he was texting me like a person without thoughts or feelings. he kind of just let me talk and then asked the questions he thought he was supposed to ask and then waited for me to end the call, which i did, because i recognize the empty look in his eyes, the sweet cow-like gaze that means it's time to give up. when we're in person that's when i give up on conversation and just start playing with his hair or ask him to sing something. but virtually it means it's time to hang up. and maybe in a bigger way it is time to hang up

did something wrong yesterday, it was a tricky situation which is why i prepared for it and also asked [manager] to check my work when i was done, and still we sent off the wrong thing, and nearly to the wrong place. how am i supposed to do anything right when no one really knows what they're doing. i guess i have to use my own brain and make judgment calls? wack

maybe [manager] was distracted because she had to tell me about the incident from tuesday that i didn't know was an incident. this makes the second confidential report filed on my behalf because a man decided to be weird. this one was not nearly as weird or scary as the first one though. this one i thought was kind of nice hahaha

anyways when it comes to [], i am done. sigh. when will i stop being a two-month girlie

ok so it's done

i really think if we lived in a world without language / any kind of verbal communication, no texting etc., like if all communication only happened nonverbally and in person, we would be perfect together

i still can't figure it out, like is his emotional world actually rich and deep under a frozen surface and i could just never get to it? or is there really just not much going on in there? probably not the first one. sometimes i'd ask him what he was thinking about and he would just say: nothing. sometimes i would knock on his head and say hello? and he would say: nobody's home (maybe that was fucked up of me)

with anyone else i would push if they said "nothing" but i honestly believed him. if you looked into his eyes you would believe him too

[] always had an answer. he would think way too hard about it though and i think he was lying a lot of the time

it's weird because [] offered undying unquestionable commitment and loyalty without any of the GAB. the back and forth and the communication the romance. most men i have dated enjoy the gab and withhold the commitment

12132023. good morning flounder

[] still has covid, this didn't stop him from asking to come over last night. he is stupid!

12122023. hey flounder

my semester is over :)

i celebrated by going up to [city] for []'s EP release party which made me so happy :)

it was kind of surprising that my meaningful friendship moments this trip were not with [] or [] but with [] and []. oh well that's why it's good to visit. things change

then i returned and continued celebrating by going to []. weird to be there without [] but [], [] and [] were there and for some reason it's fun when it's the four of us but not when one is missing or when one is replaced. i think because together we generate chaotic double date energy

afterwards called with [] which was nice

voice is breaking again lol. thinking about stopping treatment

^ this means i should be able to sing again soon. it's been over a month since i had my singing voice. sad. i got songs to write!!!

soon my voice will start breaking like normal again and i need to prepare for this emotionally. it's been really nice speaking with no breaks, communicating has felt so much better and i'm not ready to lose that ease, nor do i want another injection, dang it

sometimes have more fun not dating [] than i do dating []

based on social media i suspect [] has found another asian woman to drain of life, which makes three in a row, which unsettles me greatly but what is there to do?

anyways

A is gone for winter break, time to unravel

i hope [] remembers that i hate him

12082023. hey flounder

sooooo close to being done with this paper idk why i don't just finish it

ended last night off wrong (told him i was unhappy)

nick was here last night, which was crazy. it's been five years? or something

he remembers a lot, maybe more than i do. i think he spent more time thinking about our relationship after it ended, he says he didn't get into another relationship until last year. i did all the thinking while i was still in it, which was maybe unfair of me. this is what i am trying not to do this time -- go through the grief cycle before termination

ok gonna finish the paper!!!!!! i reread it it's not that bad

submitted. hehe yay

12072023. good morning flounder

starting this day off wrong (protein bar and iced coffee)

my 9am appointment canceled. time to ponder

need to write 500 more words before 4pm

that was weird!

12062023. good morning flounder

i know what i must do

bruhhhhh nvm

just met a really nice person at work. i looked him up and he's a journalism professor. and he got his masters where i did my undergrad. i wonder if he could help me get a job

did ok today

dragged [] to lunch because my plans got canceled, he was so hungry, apparently showed up no breakfast no coffee no nothing, was just planning to "thug it out"

12052023. good morning flounder

crunch time!!!!!!!!!

did ok today

12042023. good morning flounder

feeling a little scattered today

got home from work last night, made dinner in record time, virtually attended a meeting of the union, had intentions to go to the gym after this, instead was on my phone for a while, danced for an hour in my room, did hair care, and finally returned to the big paper. had to redo the premise because i realized my research questions were unanswerable in 2000 words. had to go insane in my notebook to realize this. oh well i think i know what i'm doing now

did not see [] yesterday, which was the right choice, not that he really presented me with a choice, he lacks initiative

anyways i am on a mission to have a good day

gonna go big today and try to get the rest of the week off because i haven't used any of my holiday time for some reason and i need the time for school!! not sure if they will let me do this

the thing is if i can secure even one day off this week i know i will somehow justify going out for [] tonight which is not the right choice

i got a special feeling in line at the walmart self-checkout last night

today is going to be a frequent flounder day because i keep losing contact with my internal monologue and if i let that happen i will not get my tasks done / will become less lucid. or maybe what is happening is i am getting lost in my internal monologue so i need to pin it down into the flounder window. IDK

A is taking exams today, gonna try to absorb some of his exam energy, not that i have exams, i am under a different kind of assessment

interesting email sign-offs recently received:

Your pal, till advised different,

Back in harness,

these are both from the same person and i think i might have to stop emailing them

had a positive interaction that required me losing some of my lunch break, she shook my hand at the end, actually worth it

hey flounder starting my second shift (i got home from work three hours ago and am finally capable of engaging with school)

got tomorrow off! thank you angela

12032023. hey flounder

december 3 wtf

perfect morning with G <3 caffeinated and strolled

at work!

almost forgot to say i am on a mission to have a good day because i am already having one

i'm a mess lately and i know :) but i am staying connected to people and washing my face and feeding the creature so this is no crisis

just remembered the boy and the heron comes out soon! december movie yay!

12022023. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have a good day

the steps that i have taken today in service of that goal

*breakfast rice

*makeup

*coffee

it is 9am. my eyes are so dry

there is a ~3 second clip of me looking unimpressed that has ended up in a few local news segments about []. proud of this representation of my vibe, and of this evidence that i reside here, in a way that is connected to public life

i was doing an appointment for this girl and her dad leaned over to her and said "she's very calm"

she's very calm

she's very calm

she's very calm

strong urge to do solo movie outing tonight but [] still works there and i hate him

i wonder if i will ever get to a point where i'm not constantly taking inventory of everything i ate in a day

i had a dream my singing voice came back and i was singing yebba "paranoia purple" in the bathroom mirror with perfect accuracy. i went to show my mom, we were very excited. i woke up and failed

this is my favorite part to sing

Tell me

When we have no money

And the sirens starts their callin'

You say

"Slow down"

Slow down, come on

Slow down

it feels good to slow down while singing "slow down"

12012023. good morning flounder i am on a mission to have a good day

big cry yesterday. sigh

starting this day off right (hot beverage and flounder and oiled my hair)

this month's alice sparkly kat horoscope questions for me and also alioop's baby

Questions for Cancer for December 2023:

What makes caring feel good?

What are you willing to do for other people?

Why do you care about other people?

The question of why we care about other people is just as existential as the question of why we care about ourselves. Don’t try to answer this question with a solution. Caring about people isn’t a pathology or a problem so we don’t need to solve it.

seeing [] later, might have pushed him too far, might have done that on purpose, idk

i just want to document here the exquisite feeling of openly weeping while walking slowly almost in a trance across a college campus. i had not done that in years

not feeling like a good person