08312023. eight minutes

big fuckup yesterday

A said helpful things

realized i never learned how to deal with being told i did something wrong! lol

at the newspaper i got negative feedback all the time but that was different because i could just be like

it was a good story fuck you

or like

you didn't like it but i know i wrote it well

but with something like this it's just like yeah i did that wrong. i am an idiot. sorry

became completely useless after receiving this feedback which was inconvenient because there was a lot of work to do. oops. will try to make progress today

and now i'm here again

in this room

in this

goddamn

room

august is almost over

what do i do about this

[] is leaving in two weeks

what do i do about that

nothing probably

things i can do something about

*unwashed hair

*empty fridge (my half. A's half is bountiful as always)

that may be it for today

sometimes i feel like some people are ducks

with their water resistant feathers

and i am a duck

with mutant absorbent feathers

and because of this i can't keep up

and the water

which isn't even a substance i should really think about or register

(because i am a duck)

is actually tiresome and sometimes even dangerous for me to move through

because i have the wrong feathers

anyways

talked to D on the phone while walking laps around the parking lot like i see people do sometimes. he was driving home

the thing about doing grad school for a field that you're already working in is that when you feel bad about one you feel bad about both. crazy i know

i cannot say anything right today oh man

it's the blue moon

jk it's very simple

i'm always overly concerned with my spiritual condition

like last night i was like ahhh what is this feeling

i must find some way to engender release

and because of this i put off eating or sleeping

opting to languish and call people and walk in circles

even thought about just driving around in the night until i felt something shift

when really sometimes you're just a sim

whose need meters are on orange or red

and the fix is simple

eat

sleep

those are the big ones

and then there's the social meter

fun meter

also bladder and hygiene

i'm always trying to address some secret seventh need

from allthesims.com, for my reference:

How to fulfill your Sim's needs

So what do you do once any of their need meter turns red? In order to fulfill your Sim’s needs, you need to guide them and perform actions that will help replenish the bar. Some tasks in the game provide you with points, shown as happy moodlets, that help fill up the need.

For example, hunger can be replenished by providing Food for your Sim. If you manage a lot of Sims, you’ll need to balance out their needs with their other goals in life such as their aspirations. Their needs can be fulfilled as follows:

* Bladder: Use the toilet

* Hunger: Cook and then eat food

* Energy: Sleep in the bed or take a nap

* Fun: Watch TV, Listen to the Radio, Play games, etc.

* Social: Call up another Sim, Invite other Sims and interact, Have a housemate to talk to

* Hygiene: Take a shower or bath

if i was a sim my diamond would constantly be orange and i would have so many moodlets

apparently sims pets don't have the fun meter, they have something special depending on the species. for example dogs have a "destruction" meter and cats have "scratch"

maybe my fun meter is a destruction meter

no...

mine is a LOVE meter

home

preparing for an emotionally intense and confusing weekend

not to initiate a self-fulfilling prophecy or anything

ok try again

preparing for a lovely serene weekend

frictionless

tearless

enjoyable but not so exquisite that i crash when it's over

jk that always happens

class was chaotic today, i have found my way into my first grad school emotional support group chat, yay

feeling better than i was this time yesterday

feeling better than i was this time last year

actually let's investigate that

(((time travel noise)))

on august 31, 2022

i have just started my new job

i am still part time at the deli so i have shoulder pain and am always tired

i am really relieved about the new job, and overwhelmed

i have been in this town for 1.5 months

i have a crush weird crush on deli manager

things are kind of tense between A and i, we are getting used to each other

S and L are my only friends. if it is the weekend i am probably getting drunk with L at a disappointing local show, or i am at the movies alone

you know it wasn't so bad

what was showing in august 2022?

i just looked it up. i don't think i saw any of those movies. maybe i hadn't started going to the theater yet

let me check my photos

OHHH

C was visiting

omg

i don't know that i would survive that weekend again

when it comes to our friendship there is a before the visit and after

so yes based on that alone, i am feeling better today than i was a year ago

ok damn so [] is coming on the one year anniversary of C's visit

the moon looked CRAZY tonight. on my way to the coffee shop around 9pm. made me want to reread the preface of jo ann beard the boys of my youth, about the moon looking at her funny, like the creepy nightlight of her childhood

08292023. it's barely been two hours oh no

this day is going suspiciously well...

text exchange with C from this morning that is stuck in my head

me: i feel sure that my feelings are reciprocated and sad that it doesn't seem to matter

C: it doesn't seem to matter, from [redacted] or your pov specifically or overall?

the real question is what it would mean, for the feelings to "matter." one perspective is that the feelings have inherent meaning, they matter because they exist. another perspective is that the feelings only matter if they lead to commitment

so then what was i even saying in my text message?

it doesn't seem to matter

one translation is that "it" (the fact of the reciprocated feelings) does not seem to "matter" to (because of? or, to use C's word, "from") []'s pov. if we are defining "matter" as leading to/inspiring commitment then i am saying that the fact of the reciprocated feelings does not seem to lead to or inspire commitment from []'s pov

the other translation is that "it" does not "matter" from my pov

why did i just do all that

need to stop mumbling. it makes people think i don't mean what i'm saying

08282023. one hour and 45 minutes in

kind of a jarring entrance into this week not because anything really happened just managing a mild emotional hangover. it eases every time i talk to a patron but these couple hours have been quiet

fantasizing about

*chicago. specifically shows

*[redacted]

*champaign. specifically tattoo

got home around six last night. A was getting ready for a run so i joined him (walking). there's a pretty park/nature path nearby. we agreed to meet back at the car at sunset which i almost didn't manage because i got a little lost, had just started to panic when i spotted the remnants of what i can only assume was a gender reveal party, which i had noticed on my way in and was able to reorient myself. thank you blue confetti

during all of this listened to jodi's 2021 album blue heron. beautiful stuff. especially in "buddy" when he gets to the line "then you're driving in the rain." you rock jodi

fairly certain the woman i just spoke to on the phone had adductor spasmodic dysphonia. feel bad that i hung up initially because i didn't hear anything on the line. she was probably just stuck and couldn't get her voice out

really wish i could see DPCD play at the hungry brain 9/7 but do not see how i could make it work. i listened to him a lot in the early days of covid especially on walks. hard to imagine now that we played a show together in 2019. so many performance opportunities from that year taken for granted. i did not know singing would become so hard! i would have been more careful and enjoyed everything more

six hours and 47 minutes

much love to the barista who must have been new who made me a 12oz iced latte which is not a size they offer in iced lattes and strangely put it in a paper cup (probably because she realized there were no 12oz cups for iced drinks but by then it was too late) 10/10 experience

was supposed to undergo "training" during this hour but i started a conversation about weyes blood and he turned out to be a superfan so that was interesting and now the hour is almost up mwahaha

someone called me by my first initial today. i wonder if it will happen again

school is hard

but i can do it!!!

08272023. good morning

had a really good night

enjoyed the nick hakim set. endured weyes blood

highlight was when he covered bilal "think it over" i am going to cover his cover

real highlight was [redacted] obviously

bursting!!!

08252023. day off!

but still here

with G!

had a good morning because

*day off

*breakfast rice

*milk tea

*good book (finished :( )

*did some easy school stuff

*plans to look forward to

back from lunch

workworkworkwork so tonight i can playplayplay

good food good movie i am happy

08242023. 11 minutes...

struggling this morning dry eyes acne weird gloomy feeling

i love the sundays!!!! harriet wheller had an awesome voice

coffee with J yay

errands with A. he found a nail in my tire :(

work was pretty painless today and i had a nice talk with D. there was a "barbecue" in the break room which i did not expect to derive any enjoyment from. something about me is that i love hot dogs and potato salad. a fun sentence that was said to me:

we love a hypotenuse

writing to remind myself to get tickets for tomorrow

and take steps towards removing the nail from my tire

and pay various bills

08232023. 18 minutes lol

had a good morning!! helpful + positive check-in with the voice doc, celebrated by going thrifting, bought a couple dresses, one that i may never wear but made me happy in the mirror and one that i will wear to death

the fly infestation is ongoing, A seems more affected by this than i am, i keep finding him in corners beating up the walls with a shoe or the cat bed, going "die die die fuck you"

the newer flies have been slower and easier to kill, also weirder looking. the first generation evaded us much more tactfully and just seemed more resilient. we may be seeing the effects of inbreeding

excited to see S on friday. the last time i saw her was when N was here. too bad N can't make it this time, he is in mexico, typical

really liking this maggie shipstead book. maggies are usually good

08222023. one hour and 33 minutes, something weird and concerning already happened but there were green pea crisps in the break room so i'm fine

it is going to be an extremely long day but as my dad said murakami said, "pain is inevitable. suffering is optional"

i choose suffering

not much to say about today. not feeling great but not in crisis

poor A had to manage a fly infestation while i was at work

08212023. one hour and 23 minutes

this weekend was the best. highlight was seeing L who seems happy and all grown up

got back into town yesterday afternoon, cleaned everything. braced myself for this week's heat. will cope by keeping hair up every day, wearing clothes that make minimal contact with my body

school has started aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. aahh

saw G. sigh. swoon

plotting my lunch break coffee mission hehehe

ok so here's everything i did in chambana this weekend

*arrived at D's around 2pm (first went to the champaign address by mistake. humbling, after making the same mistake once four years ago and swearing i would never do it again)

*waited for D to get home because he was out with J buying furniture

*called L while i waited in the car :)) <3 lots to talk about

*D arrives with J. we go to get a uhaul. there are no uhauls because the students have commandeered them all. D somehow gets access to a moving truck that belongs to an organization he is no longer employed by. the furniture is moved. at some point there was a meal. it was good. at another point we had to make a detour to drive J's friend to work. i was asleep for this part. when i woke up i said i want coffee! so D drove us to starbucks. i was born to be passenger princess

*i don't really remember how it went after we moved the furniture into the apartment (barstools, table, chairs, couch). i remember washing my face and changing into big shirt which D let me wear home the next day and i think i laid down somewhere and then it was time to pick up stuff for the function. K came along that was fun. D said something about how K and i are two of his core friendships, as in, if he had to pick a few friends to point at and be like this is who i am, we would be included. hearing this i felt some pressure to connect more with K, which we kind of did, in the parking lot waiting for D to buy liquor, because we both had anxiety about being ID'd despite being of age

*random best buy stop

*partttyyyy yayyyyy had so much fun met so many people (being friends with D is a little like being a member of some highly specialized social media site) was really good at a game called "bite the box" which shocked everyone

*bedtime ~4am

*breakfast at caffe bene with D <3 he delivered me to espresso royale where i met T <3 who stayed with me until L arrived to take me to ice cream <3 ran an errand with him and then was delivered back to D's <3

*giant korean dinner with D. lovely to walk through urbana. must note that through this long day of social interaction/speaking i felt almost no tension in my voice, D has always been the antidote

*want to say more about my time with T but not sure what. mostly that i love her

*dillydallied

*drove home

*recalling now the chaos of the preparty hour. they started assembling the table and chairs at 8:30. i was already in do my makeup and drink mode. D is the only person in the world who could hand a painting and a pack of command strips to buzzed bladebby and say, "please just put this on the fucking wall." i put it on the fucking wall. i remember several people helping with the table+chairs assembly. i was put on cardboard breakdown duty with a couple folks from kankakee

it is night now

i went through a lot of feelings after work. mostly panic about school. telling myself adding a monitor and a mouse to my setup will fix this

some men advice my sister has given me over the years, starting from when i was like 17

*cut your losses and run (just in general)

*if it makes you sad more than 50% of the time it needs to go

*you could be the most beautiful interesting girl in the world, if they don't love you they don't love you, you can't make them (what if she is wrong what if i can make them)

*something something scary how some people can go through the motions of love and intimacy without really feeling it (this one scared me doubly because i realized it was also true about myself)

*every experience just helps you collect data points and that way you can make more informed decisions in the future (this one is not so helpful because it assumes that i will use the data)

we used to use "explode" to talk about love a lot like hmm is it time to explode? what if i exploded it? it seems i have no choice but to explode it? help i exploded it!

explode usually meant confessing or voicing something that everyone was thinking but no one wanted to say e.g. one person is moving away soon and it is time to terminate or define / there is some serious incompatibility with regards to personality or lifestyle / someone needs to apologize for something etc. i find that i am usually doing the exploding. it doesn't feel like the right word anymore though

i worry a lot about not knowing when to stop and the thing about a lot of men is they will not stop you they just let you spin out forever

08172023. nine minutes in

leaving town today!!

various problems have been solved

*the trash can (mold + fly pupae): A and i found a drain on the apartment property and transported the bin out there, rinsed out with hot water and vinegar. this turned out to be a lengthy process, enough that a couple walking their dog stopped to observe. finally one of them asked what we were doing

*my tire pressure (low): hyvee free air pump yuhhh

*my tire pressure light (always on): ???

08162023. scream

rare good day

ok it is finally safe to flounder

got an important email last night but it took me a couple hours to notice because A and i had just discovered a cluster of fly pupae in the apartment. not good

we emptied the entire apartment of all garbage and freaked out for a while. then i had a snack and finally took a shower, i think it was past midnight at this point. i checked my phone after stepping out of the shower and saw the email

all day i had been listening to "the recipe" which is a really good song by SiR and the background vocals in the chorus go

(let it go let it go girl this ain't what you want and you know)

(i don't care how it feels this could never be real and you know)

i first heard this song several years ago probably 2019, i used to put on tiny desks as background music during package station shifts and SiR's would come on sometimes, "the recipe" is the first song of the set. didn't remember ever hearing it until i played it on spotify earlier this week, this time because i was sifting the album for songs to add to a playlist. the only part i remembered was that background part and when it came on i was like ohhhhhh

my workday started off really nicely and got worse which is funny because it was the morning i was dreading. still really liking my new coworker, and also the other new coworker, and as far as the other new coworker goes i feel pretty neutral

was just told i would like the movie "ghost world" so of course i will watch it. this coworker prefaced the recommendation with, "so remember how we were talking about missed connections last week?" but did not explain the connection

speaking of missed connections here is an excerpt from a recent post (craigslist), location des plaines, subject "Too Much Time Passed"

Your dark hair may of become silver by now, but that would only compliment your golden heart.

anyways about the email

what i wanted to say was

what i'm thinking is

so what i uhh

uhhh

basicallyuhhaslkdjfd44444444

SiR is a really healthy singer, so is alex isley. their voices seem to carry no tension at all. there is an unhurried feeling to their singing, and a feeling like they are sighing into every phrase

was having a lot of fun singing alex isley "mine" when suddenly i started to feel weird about the lyrics and i think it's because it feels like the kind of song where they wrote the melody and then filled in the words so some of the choices seem kind of odd/weak

e.g.

every drop you send my way i hold on babe

the rhythm and melody of that line is honestly sublime and feels really intentional but this image of sending drops is kind of strange to me. i feel like they were in the studio just trying words. which is cool

even the line leading into the chorus is kind of weird

'cause you've always been mine

well

now that i'm thinking about it i think it works

considering the second verse is about how i searched all over creation / when you had the keys / standing in front of me AKA you've always been mine

maybe i just don't like the sound of that line

with that being said here's a really strong lyric

every second minute hour still in place

time as a puzzle or some other artful intricate arrangement of things. love that

anyways about the email

the timing is slightly stressful

anyways about the

uhhhh

i took a nice walk today

through the cemetery

during my lunch break

like i always do

felt grateful for my lunch break

and for my job

even though i would rather be at home

being here is not too bad

all things considered

08152023. something kind of stressful and upsetting happened and initially i felt really bad but it's leveled out into kind of a pleasant emotional stimulus. even though the feeling is negative the effect is kind of energizing which is helpful at a job where your cortisol levels stay at like -50

there is also a clarifying effect because this bad thing happens and you just want to run away and tell someone. and you realize who that person is/who those people are

an hour and a half til lunch and then three more hours you can do it

these past two days i have taken in too much information from coworkers about their problems with other coworkers and this puts me in a bad mood at work which increases the chances of me becoming one of the coworkers that someone has a problem with

sometimes i miss working in an office of four people. we were all in one room together all the time, hearing each other's calls, there was no scheduling meetings/check-ins with each other, if you needed to talk to someone you would just start talking from across the room, and if for some reason it was a sensitive subject you would be like hey can i talk to you in the break room. and i only did that once (putting in my two weeks). very little privacy, friction would happen and it could be frustrating to not get to have space from each other, if i got fed up with someone i would just go for a walk. it was a dysfunctional workplace in many ways but the two teams i've been on since have been much larger with a lot more weird petty stuff. stuff was never petty in that little office, if there were bad feelings there was always a good reason. another thing about the lack of privacy there, at least there was not even the illusion of privacy. here there is the illusion and it encourages people to say things they shouldn't say!!

08142023. two hours and 21 minutes in

music sounds sooo good right now

at various points in the past 3-4 years i have wondered if i have already heard all my favorite songs / if i will ever again experience music as intensely as i did as a teenager / form as strong attachments/associations. silly

should i go see weyes blood next weekend? i worry she will be annoying and i won't be able to enjoy the music anymore. O saw her a few weeks ago. her review:

i felt like she was sent from the capital to tell district 13 that everything was going to be fine

putting off deciding what kind of haircut i want to get next week because deep down i do not want this haircut or any other haircut ever again

my new coworker is awesome

five hours in

if for some reason i lost this job i would leave this city. crazy because i moved here without the job

my last few days with [redacted] i felt like a dog that was about to be put down. was fed delicious human foods brought to fun places and showered with love

this coworker forgot to log off. he has 109,448 unread emails

08132023. good morning

coffee with G <3 :D

just when i started to wonder if they'd wanna go home soon they asked if i wanted to get a second cup. indulgent! can think of one other time i went for a second round of coffee in one sitting, same coffeeshop but the other location. i have so many memories at these places the associations don't bother me anymore, there's too many for any single one to weigh too heavily

talked about release, relinquishing control. and stuff. i really appreciated their perspective on [redacted]. they said something like "it seems like you had your intuition with you the whole time" which was nice to hear because i think it's true even though there were such powerful feelings of immersion / disorientation. they also said something interesting about emotional voyeurism / tourism that i don't feel like explaining

good voice day :3

what does it mean when someone changes their tinder bio to "ambitious women >>>" after three dates with you? sorry i'm not an entrepreneur :/

A made beautiful thumbprint cookies last night with homemade jam from plums he found somewhere. now that we live in an apartment with a gym it is easy for me to time my workouts so that when i return he has just finished baking or cooking something. it's really nice!!! he showed up yesterday in the middle of my shift with some donuts. sometimes i think this will probably be the happiest marriage of my life, precisely because it is not a marriage

do i participate in "emotional tourism"? something to think about (yes)

08122023. my work weekend has begun

i liked the movie. surprised by how tragic it turned out to be. i cried but only before (trailers) and after (walking out) which had more to do with being in the theater than with watching the movie. but yeah the movie was good

an hour and a half left yeyuh

bad voice day

waiting for myself to get sick of being the crazy ex because it is honestly getting tedious i hope i wear myself out soon

on this bad voice day decided to sing for an hour uh oh

(i can't do that because of problems)

08112023. day off :D woke up went to the pool with G & C. chatted and sunned. on the way home picked up sandwich stuff, enjoyed my post-pool shower haven't had one in a while. ate, read (just finished the snow queen it was really good) now i'm eating again before the movie tonight. i think i'm feeling good today but i'm sure i wouldn't fool debb

had fun last night

08102023. three minutes in. last night with the strength of my ancestors went to the gym and did the laundry

A made dinner i did dishes

was looking forward to seeing "afire" alone on saturday but then another option presented itself, unsure if it's a better one. i haven't gone to the movies by myself since "return to seoul" (april) and i have been craving it. the only thing is i seem to remember movies in more detail when i watch with someone else. the other thing is i really would've liked to see this movie with G and if i go with someone else i worry the dissonance will be too strong. by myself i could handle it, could even conjure the feeling of his presence, maybe

D thinks i'm nuts for sending the song i wrote about G to G (i am) but he won't respond anyways plus i have entered a new part of my life where i practice total emotional disclosure as frequently as possible which sometimes means having a conversation with myself in someone's inbox oh well

still amused by the email i received from a coworker yesterday subject title "patron asking after you -- weird vibes." sometimes i think my coworkers perceive danger where there is none. or, i am stupid

putting in four hours today then the afternoon+evening is mine yayy. will visit the empty old apartment to do one last clean, enjoy the liminal space, have some feelings about the past year, maybe stroll around the parking lot where i have experienced a couple painful goodbyes, opened a letter that made me break into a run i was so happy, got home from deli shifts that sucked the essence out of me, got picked up so many times by L, music blasting oh i miss her

the coworker who asked "how are you" and then cut me off to say "you seem a little weighed down" yeah some people are depressed debb

08092023. one hour and six minutes in oh boy

have a bad habit of attaching the activity of my face to the activity of my emotions. for example i popped the pimple after work yesterday and thought to myself yes, release, my heart needed that

fell asleep on the couch last night while A ate second dinner. neither of us made it to the gym, which is fine but i will try again today just like how i will try to do the laundry i loaded three days ago just like how i will try to pack a lunch for tomorrow instead of walking to the store every day during my break for mid sushi and a latte smh (the latte is not mid it is good)

the kid who leaned up against the desk to say ni hao :3

08082023. it may be time for a bluets reread. uh oh

crazy pimple on the right side of my nose where my glasses go. wearing giant earrings to distract from this

reading the snow queen by michael cunningham because i loved a home at the end of the world. so far the characters in the snow queen feel sadder and more subdued and there is already someone actively dying which didn't happen in a home at the end of the world until the end

wifi man came to do the wifi this morning and roommate (toothbrush in mouth) asked him to take off his shoes and i love him for that

a home at the end of the world quotes

i don't mind touching the rough bottom of people's good intentions

you don't necessarily meet a lot of people in this world. not when you let yourself get distracted by music and the passing of hours

i reminded myself our lives are made of changes we can't control. letting little things happen is a good practice

need to be better about pulling my own quotes as i read because goodreads disappoints in this area

i feel so lost when the genius lyrics don't have annotations

been reading artist interviews about album releases. most artists are not very good at describing their own albums. their attempts to do so are informative and interesting but as far as like pulling a quote from an artist to sum up their album or give a preview, it's pretty difficult. i guess that's what critics are for

when jhene aiko was doing interviews for the chilombo release she pretty consistently used this metaphor of a volcano, in which she is a volcano and erupts with feeling (lava) which cools and settles and creates new land (music). on brand

the weyes blood interviews about the 2022 album are honestly annoying to read. she's like i don't make music for myself i make it for other people. i've always tried to articulate the difficult feelings. we're just living in crazy times right now and i feel everybody's pain etc. etc. and then the lyrics are like "we all bleed the same way" "it's been a long year / everyone's sad"

listening to lomelda for the first time. she slays

two hours and 39 minutes into my eight-hour tuesday shift

saw the roommate of my freshman year boyfriend at the farmer's market on saturday. and one of his suitemates at the library a couple weeks before that. i wonder if they moved here together or something. maybe we all turn 24 and pick a friend and a midsized city close to home

this morning in the mirror experienced a sudden feeling of panic and dread about aging which is weird for me because i don't really think about getting old. not like that

continuing to use the initial "G" in these entries will be problematic because there are a few important Gs but i guess only i need to know who's who

anyways i'm meeting G for coffee on sunday. and hopefully seeing G on thursday. and as far as seeing G again it seems unlikely unless i really come off the hinges

08072023. feeling like i need to apologize

after every relationship termination i cycle through a few thoughts which include

*wow i have learned a lot

*no i haven't

*i have grown

*i am the same as i always was

*therapy???

*i can cope

*i cannot cope

spent the weekend moving into the new place which is spacious, so spacious that i get lonely and find myself traversing the apartment just to check that A is home

had a random cry last night, remembered that it's an honor to feel this way (pinegrove, endless)

helped a man make copies of things for his family's passport applications. he was excited at first because he thought i was filipino. though he was disappointed to learn the truth he was still chatty and fun which lifted my mood despite the interaction being long and kind of exhausting. on his way out he brought his kids by to say hi, this moved me. i wanted to tell G about it oh well

A should just be getting back into town now with the cat. grateful for this. alone time bad

have been in conversation with the sibs lately, one asked me why i'm going "turbo" with dating, the other gently suggested i be "less eager." they could be a lot harsher honestly. who is going to tell me to get my shit together?

taking on more projects/programs at work which is fun but stresses me out. hosting events always leaves me feeling manic and overexposed. which is why it was so nice last time to see G afterwards which always left me feeling serene and sheltered. there was a time when he would've said something similar about me but i fear i have complicated things oh no

took a walk with [redacted] yesterday. i like that he completely unselfconsciously says things like "i love sunsets. they are so peaceful" and "you have to fail 1000 times to know what winning feels like" and in general seems to approach life as one eternal basketball game

was surprised to get a text from an old classmate yesterday seeking restaurant recommendations, he happened to be spending the day in my former college town which i didn't even know he knew was my college town. this interaction made me more nostalgic about my college town than about the classmate. i am happy to be visiting next week but concerned about the emotions i may experience, particularly during my stop at home. may need to take preventative measures, not that i've had any success with those lately

thinking about going to the weyes blood/nick hakim show

getting up in the morning has felt extremely hard for the past few days, like dragging myself out of a hole. wondering if a bed frame would help with this

08032023. met an engineering phd student from china for dinner yesterday. about my chinese he said it's obvious my vocabulary is limited but he gave my intonation a 90%. despite both our efforts the language barrier became such a problem we just started showing photos to each other. both of us have been growing our hair out for the past few years so it was a lot of "this is what i used to look like!" and the other person being like "crazy!" each picture i showed him he declared to be either "dude style" or "girl style." i mostly agreed with his assessments. left feeling exhausted

at work for the fourth day in a row boooo

pinegrove's aphasia is a good song and i wish evan stephens hall would also write one called "dysphonia." it could be fun for continuity like need and need 2

ok so here are some aphasia lyrics

so satisfied i said a lot of things tonight

so long aphasia and the ways it kept me hiding

it's not so much exactly all the words i used

it's more that i was somehow down to let them loose

now that i'm looking at it i guess you could just replace "aphasia" with "dysphonia"

he's using the metaphor of aphasia to talk about communication and speaking so i don't know how a song using dysphonia as a metaphor would be different

his lyrics do not really address how aphasia affects one's ability to understand language; he seems mostly concerned with expression. in that way dysphonia would've been a better metaphor for the problem he's describing

but dysphonia is not really about language at all. it's about voicing, which is different from language or meaning, and is only one small part of expression. so i'm wrong

but he says himself that "it's not so much exactly all the words i used / it's more that i was somehow down to let them loose." this lyric is about voicing. the word choice "loose" speaks to dysphonia too -- dysphonia is often described with words like "tight" "strangled" "constricted"

while shelving newspapers this morning came across a piece in the arts section of the new york times called something like "his flapping captures this flop of summer," a feature story on the dude who is responsible for the "pinegrove shuffle," which apparently was just his attempt at a slower version of whatever dj khaled is doing in that one viral clip. it was a pretty good article and it amused me to think about this summer as a "flop." it gives me some feeling of closure to look back on the past two months and be like, wow, flop

at work yesterday finished an essay that i'd been working on for months. this felt good. realized how important it is for me to replace my dysfunctional laptop so i can work on stuff at home, commune with language and my memories etc. since i can only really use my phone right now i mostly just listen to music and that has been a depressing activity for me lately so i'm really looking forward to writing more

my work week is over in eight minutes. i could cry

08022023. frustrated! with people other than myself for a change

08012023. new file for august yeyuh

36 minutes into my first 11-8 shift at the library

this morning A and i picked up keys to the new apartment :) it was gray and rainy and cooler than it's been in weeks. last night was a full moon. L texted that she feels like she's entering a new season. i feel this way too, but in a more literal way than i think she meant it

it has been ~three weeks since my first BBL (botox boost in larynx). sometimes i think it's working and sometimes it feels the same. for example i just got off a phone call and i know i sounded weird like i'd been crying or something, she seemed anxious to get off the call. oh well. maybe need to be more intentional about forgiving myself/releasing shame after moments like this, maybe need a specific affirmation

MY SPASMODIC DYSPHONIA IS SEXY

no

AT LEAST I CAN TALK

no

IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS

will circle back to this

anyways

got texts from M and P last night and this morning. talked to D a couple nights ago. thinking of making a champaign trip soon. wish i could've gone with G

speaking of

i am still sad

but not in agony!

i have to thank A for coming back when he did. i don't know how i'd be doing otherwise. of course he had no choice and his scheduling had nothing to do with me but still i feel rescued

oh boy i feel a normal people quote coming on

no one can be independent of other people completely, so why not give up the attempt, she thought, go running in the other direction, depend on people for everything, allow them to depend on you, why not.

trying to figure out when / how much i need to eat to get through this new shift. since ~8am (it is 1:30pm now) i have consumed

*egg toast

*latte

*yogurt

*handful of almond nut-thins someone brought to work

realizing all of this together barely constitutes a breakfast. lunch break isn't until 4 :( think i will need to start having two meals before even getting here. like two big breakfasts

the vibe at work feels off today but can't tell if it's a) just the tuesday vibe which i've never been present for until today b) my hunger c) the weather d) my limerence

maybe i can find someone to go out for second breakfast with every tuesday morning, after i have first breakfast at home, like how i used to with A before we moved here. that way i arrive to work satiated and socialized

i wish getting through the day wasn't such a project

i wish you were still here. it didn't feel like such a project then