04282025. good morning flounder

last day of april :o

small talk energy has crashed, back to being weird for now. hopefully it returns

hosting book club tomorrow and open mic next week so anxiety is building, to treat this am listening to mr. fingers - praise to the vibes

indian uncle "it looks posh" (about my hair). mood altering compliment

coworker yesterday "what are your pronouns" #bluetincargopants

graduation is in two weeks thank you god. i try not to complain about it too much because several coworkers have gone / are going through the same program but the truth is i have almost no respect for the program or the professors and if someone else told me they had this degree from this institution i would take it as an indication of interest in the field or maybe just pragmatism rather than evidence of any kind of mastery. sometimes i was having an educational experience. i wrote two papers that i was really proud of

04272025. good afternoon flounder

finally a good weekend in [town] <3

friday went straight from the library to open mic where i met up with A and K, excellent event filled with surprising vibes, then dinner

saturday went to the meditation class where i small and medium talked, then coffee shop where i small talked, gym and other stuff. i asked the gym counter guy how are you and he said, "getting older every day," he looked maybe 23. people are so unpredictable sometimes

a lot of violin yesterday yay <3 making some attempts at music notation so i don't forget my arrangements, it's pretty difficult but a nice thing to work on

the little brother is in boston with his instagram crush and LYING to mom about it!!!! don't worry i didn't tell on you

small talk is seriously so magical, i can basically say something everyone knows and experienced like "that was a crazy storm" and somehow that can lead to this person i don't know very well telling me about who they sheltered with and what they were doing and maybe they even tell me about other storms, and through this i learn about their life and also the town. meanwhile i could look a man i have spent a long time getting to know in the face and say something like "do you want to stay together" and learn almost nothing...small talk is the way. i will do no big talks from now on. or at least i will be extremely suspicious of situations in which there seem to be no other option than big talk

something else i am learning to enjoy is non word based work like music notation and chess analysis. sentences are not the only puzzles!

04252025. good morning flounder

just booked my flight to see @aviary in june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

04242025. good evening flounder

more than small talks today...CONVERSATIONS...plural...wish every day could be like this

04232025. good morning flounder

recent small talks

*talked to [coworker i like but it's always awkward] about their weekend and rain

*talked to [manager] about author talk - she was on her way to a meeting so it was not the best time for me to initiate a small talk. but these are risks we must take

*exchanged basic facts with [new coworkers]

*talked to [coworker] about author talk. she didn't go because she has a complicated relationship to the event. she described it as painful actually. i felt for her because i have complicated relationships to various local events and venues

*talked to [coworker] about his upcoming trip. he asked about my siblings so i knew we were both trying

*talked to [coworker] about language acquisition. she had questions about growing up bilingual. she showed me pictures of little ducklings hanging out in puddles on a farm

roommate talk recap

*a hysterectomy takes 3-4 hours and there is a robot

*you get used to the smell of burning flesh

sooooooooooo spasmodic today

04222025. good afternoon flounder

the tiniest disaster today—a ~5 minute interaction with [], so incoherent i could barely call it a conversation. unfortunately his brain is too smooth to experience shame

04212025. good morning flounder

week 13 of fifth semester of grad school, a weird time

in my dream i was skinny girl with long hair, i think because i was watching @nemochess content before bed. thankfully i woke up nematode sized with hedgehog hair

04202025. good morning flounder

yesterday enjoyed the author panel, it was actually kind of funny, they put an investigative journalist up there with two fiction writers and the host was convinced (or trying to convince everyone else) that this arrangement made complete sense, setting up questions like: "while we have two novelists up here, i would argue that the two of you are actually doing documentary work..." OK girl

discussing the struggles of writing their books the two fiction authors kept referencing the heaviness of their projects, the emotional toll, which felt hollow because the investigative journalist was describing working with anonymous sources who were scared for their lives, consulting with lawyers to figure out what she could get sued for writing. hers was the only project that involved real risk, yet she was not the one arguing for the importance of her work, it was the fiction writers who kept insisting on the power of books likes theirs to change people's hearts

and the thing is i'm sure the fiction writers are cool and wrote good books, i just wish we could have found a way to talk about their books without trying so hard to valorize them. i love books and fiction. it just didn't feel like we were talking about books, or fiction

things that are not embarrassing

*when your voice cracks

*when you have to run to cross the street in time

*when someone's opinion of you changes

04192025. good morning flounder

last night attended the author talk with S and her partner. i enjoyed the talk/interview but did not believe in most of it...there were constant allusions to "everything going on right now" without any meaningful condemning or naming or uplifting of anything, other than the importance of "decency" and the Children. but hey she knew her audience—99.9% older white liberals who read fiction written by people of color as a kind of "ethical protein shake" (elaine castillo) or as a way to get their reps in at the "empathy gym" (lyta gold) but are only in community with other white people. i thought it was a little much when she thanked [city] for "being kind to foreigners" like herself. as if these people needed the pat on the back. she mentioned her experience with selective mutism a few times which i thought was interesting and almost compelled me to participate in the Q&A but there wouldn't have been time for my question anyways, not with that one lady's 20 minute question which basically amounted to "what are your thoughts on book bans" to which the author responded something like: what troubles me more than the banning of books and the cancelling of programs is the damage done to the Children. it is more important now than ever to let the Children know "i see you" and this is something we can do as individuals without much power. like wow way to flip one liberal talking point into another queen <3 game recognize game

anyways the beautiful thing was to be with S and louis. i really liked talking to them afterwards

04182025. good morning flounder

when you are bluet the chances of a random person stopping you on your way into work to ask: IS YOUR NAME MEI LING? are low but never zero *eye twitch*

today was quite long and annoying but i found an almost comfortable place for my voice kind of airy and up high. i still sounded like shit ("you sound like you have a terrible cold" -patron on the phone) but the voice was moveable

04172025. good morning flounder

yesterday utterances recap

*small talks - dangerous local intersection, millennial music, mikhail tal, coworkers of the past

*compliments - library person's keffiyeh, gym person's blue nails

my preferred way to start the day is with an unforeseen solvable problem. surprisingly rare. because problems are most likely to be unforeseen+unsolvable, then foreseen+solvable, then foreseen+unsolvable

the roommate is gone again so i am feeling really in touch with my suffering

TODAY I MUST

*decide if i am going to the wedding and notify all stakeholders

*decide if i am going to the show

*decide if i want to invite someone to the author talk

that episode of grey's anatomy that they film in the style of the office is so good

decisions

*i will not go to the show

*i will invite S to the author talk

pivotal #smalltalk this evening with []. i still strongly distrust her. followed by lovely medium talk with [random library patron]. goal tonight is to wish a good night to at least two people who pass me on their way out of the building. being brave

04162025. good morning flounder

today my first #smalltalk was kindly initiated by [random person] who shared that he read in the wall street journal about an illegal scheme to smuggle thousands of ants out of kenya. i didn't really know where to go from there, when i asked follow up questions he seemed confused. the important thing is we both tried

yesterday involved much conversation. sometimes [] says things that make me suddenly aware of their vastness of intellect like looking down in a swimming pool and realizing i can't see the bottom

04142025.

@ashley thank you so much for mentioning this because HUGE. the other day i came across her poem "speech pathology" in harper's magazine and was so confused to be reading new maggie nelson!! excited is an understatement...shoutout @aviary for showing me bluets

good morning flounder

the roommate told me to be brave today so i began my shift with #smalltalkattempt: introduced myself to a new coworker and commented on the temperature of the building (too warm). everyone already got an email about the temperature so it felt redundant to mention but i'm trying to get more comfortable saying obvious things. she shook my hand and said sorry my hands are probably really cold. after that there were no more temperatures to talk about. overall positive and worthwhile

i have been saving up my flounders for a few days. friday i meant to come on here and say: when you are bluet the chances of a man stopping you in the planet fitness parking lot to tell you you remind him of a vietnamese woman he used to date who "looked 15 even though she was 35" are low but never zero

also wanted to reflect on my experience with retinol. the experience is that i didn't do any research and started using it twice a day out of nowhere. now i have "retinol burn" aka my forehead and eyelids are peeling and it is uncomfortable to blink

like i said the roommate was gone for a few days so the low stakes big action i took was driving five hours to [college town] to show up unannounced at [] and []'s gigs. [] screamed and hugged and [] was like, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING and [] went: WHAT? WHY? HOW? i felt happy. in between gigs i walked around alone and remembered stuff. walked past the old apartment and considered the balcony where ryan used to smoke after upsetting me. ryan the drama queen who once said "you're so cold, [bluet]." the best part was skating together holding hands. i screamed going down hills and he told me my problem was that i slow down at the rough parts which is actually more dangerous than going fast because you're more likely to fall. which i have continued to think about as a metaphor especially with regards to speaking. i remembered nino too but there's not much to think about there. he was also a balcony man, one time i woke up and he was gone. he texted that he had stepped out to smoke, got locked out and went home but it seems obvious now that he had been waiting for me to fall asleep so he could leave. i had the opposite problem with ryan, he would sleep when i wanted him to leave. ryan who couldn't sleep without a movie playing, i remember one time staying up and crying because he was asleep again and i felt confused and hateful about the situation and ratatouille was still playing on his laptop...lmao

i've been reading about joseph awuah-darko the person doing the "last supper project" thing on instagram and everything i learn just makes me feel bad and weird lol

04112025. good morning flounder

i recognize certain delusional tendencies like when i get to a work station and before even speaking to anyone feel overwhelmed by how hostile the environment feels. then when i do speak to someone or they speak to me and the interaction is normal and neutral i still believe they are masking some hostility

tried a book yesterday and didn't like at all...just felt like a long ted talk...i think it had something to do with it being written by a man then translated by a man. sorry

i liked talking to [coworker] yesterday i felt again like i was interacting with an alternate universe little sibling. or rather the way they talk to me reminds me of how i would talk to an older sibling. idk. anyways it was nice

the roommate is gone for several days so i may make some low stakes out of character decisions

i should've studied biology or something so i could get a silent lab job

small talk attempts:

*told [coworkers] about phone call

*asked [coworker] about book

*showed [coworker] picture of cat

*told [coworker] i was working on my small talk and asked what's new, he said ugh don't do that

*asked [coworker] how it was going, she said it seemed to be going

*told [manager] something frivolous while she was explaining something to me, not worth it—got left on heard

04102025. good morning flounder

today's small talking is not off to a great start...attempts:

*talked to [coworker x] about [coworker y]'s promotion

*talked to [coworker y] about how i talked to [coworker x]

*asked [coworker] how this thing they did went

i DON'T like when people greet with "how are you" while ACTIVELY walking by/away. either STOP and present the question with intent or just use some other non interrogatory greeting PLEASE

last night after work i was asleep from about 7-10pm and the roommate was asleep from about 10pm-1am. when i woke up i called the little brother and learned about his recent interesting choices

right now am into translated novellas

04092025. good morning flounder

working on my small talk. attempts today:

*asked the patron about her travel plans

*asked the coworker if there was "anything new" with her

04082025. good morning flounder

i am at work today...sigh

happy national library workers day...sigh

04072025. good morning flounder

i am not at work today

yesterday watched an instagram reel about how the goal of psychoanalysis is to stop doing it so that you can dedicate yourself to something external, to move on from the obsession with telling a complete story about yourself. watched the whole thing because i recognized the message's relevance, then continued psychoanalysis

04062025. good morning flounder

saturday morning i concluded my week of kaffeeklatsch with [former coworker]. i always liked her a lot without being very interested in her life if that makes sense. yesterday i felt the liking:interest ratio begin to balance out because i was very interested in the part of her life she was describing, 2020-2021. everyone i meet at this point, i want to ask about their 2020-2021. anyways it was nice to spend time with someone and not be trying to determine the series of things i could say to most efficiently end the interaction, which is how i approach work interactions a lot of the time. i was exhausted afterwards and spent several hours watching grey's anatomy. someone needs to take this show away from me. has anyone studied the psychological effects of watching grey's anatomy. like for people who are already depressed. the show doesn't give me death or injury-related anxiety, the effect is more related to the emotional universe and relationships. i haven't experienced this with other shows and i have been binge watching TV series since i was 15. actually maybe glee and gossip girl

lately have been experiencing feelings of self-doubt and loathing after most interactions, to a much more powerful degree than usual. constant childish thoughts like "why did i say that" "no one likes me." this mostly happens when interacting with people at work. the obvious answer is to have more non-work interactions. but it's hard to summon the confidence and energy after a long day of hating myself at work. this problem is complicated by the coworkers i really like and want to get to know because i feel cowardly and lonely when i avoid talking to them and overexposed and ashamed when i go out of my way to talk to them. i think the feeling of shame has been core to my experience of social interaction since i was very young hence the selective mutism. [] described how she overcame her anxiety about driving through exposure. i wish the same principle applied to speaking? i speak every day and it never feels better

shopping list

*kimchi

*spinach

*oranges

upcoming

*mom and dad visit monday 4/7 - tuesday 4/8

*[] birthday thing saturday 4/12

*[] wedding friday 4/18

*book talk saturday 4/19

*[] reception thing saturday 4/26

04032025. good morning flounder

today is already a good day because of coffee and chess with [] before work

sometimes when anticipating a long/draining day it helps to make it even longer. like meeting [] this morning helped me commit to the day before the shift even started. object in motion...

[] moves in july and K moves in may. that will make three people i love who will have gone away since i got here. people i hate never go away though. i saw [] on my way in, not only is he still here but he's been here long enough to look quite different from the last time i took him seriously. [] is also still here despite constant threats to move to the pacific northwest. then there is [] who made such a thing about getting a passport for canada. what happened to that plan? all the while my allies continue their migration to illinois

04022025. good afternoon flounder

during break i listened to birdy and found a nice cemetery bench. i think the register she sings in is where most people cry from but somehow she accesses a healthy voice there which is why she sounds so beautiful and tragic

i feel pretty bad today

04012025. good morning flounder good morning april

actions taken in the name of poetry:

actions taken in the name of being less lonely:

*engaged in a brief dialogue with [] this morning despite wariness

*talked to K!! <3 the best surprise